HAHAHA

amanda- what were those 3 things that julia fullmer used to always talk about when she taught our laurel's lesson? one thing was about the crack in her head and OH the journalism thing. and what else? its been killing me for a while and then i just told jen about it as well. i need your help about the last one.

augmenting my fame

i have about a week left in provo. depending on how my biology class goes. luckily, i was able to get tuition money back for my dad. he pretended like money didn't matter when i told him. i know he's secretly happy about it but i'm glad that he acted like he didn't care about the money and only about me.

i've never loved the church and my family and friends more than i do right now. i'm so grateful for the outpour of love and support i've gotten from everyone.

love.love.love.love.

heaven knows that i'm miserable

sometimes i get so mad and so upset that i just want to break something or punch someone. and then other times, i feel so happy and so excited about life, that i feel the same way. the same kind of desire to
crush.
smash.
crunch.
slam.
bang.
snap.
pop.
how can those two completely different emotions evoke the same exact desire?

today was another boohoobaby day. church gave me an anxiety attack. for some reason, the boy talking in sacrament was talking about school goals and being prepared for tests and im sure there was a deeper analogical [is that a word?!] meaning, but all i could think about was:

that i'm failing all of my classes. i can't seem to make myself wake up and get out of bed and GO to class. why am i even IN college? i don't know what i want to do with my life. i can't even get myself out of bed until the sun comes up. WHY?

hopefully you can see where the anxiety attack came from. i went to the bathroom and threw up. twice. i sat in the bathroom for 10 minutes after that but the sicky sicky stomach feeling wouldn't go away.

then this little girl and her mother came in. i was sitting in the mothers lounge part with my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands. the girl whispered "mom look what i found. whats wrong with her?" "just leave her alone, okay?" "she's dead. i know she is." how morbid is that? but maybe i was dead.

what if i had been. one handful of pills and i just passed out right there. goodbye baby. too bad you couldn't handle sacrament meeting.

sing me to sleep. sing me to sleep. and then leave me alone. don't try to wake me in the morning. because i will be gone. don't feel bad for me. i want you to know. deep in the cells of my heart, i will be glad to go.

gather to the chapel

i love that music changes my moods and emotions so drastically. i'm working on a mixx for andrea right now. for me, the best part of making mixxes is that i get to have it after i share it with that other person. and then, forever after, that music will tie us together. whether they liked it or not.
someday, i will make a mixx for this blog. it will be sexy sexy and just for you [reader.]
i cried a bunch today. most of the time, it felt good. two times that i shall share with you:
1. andrea sent me this GREAT quote that her mom gave her from Elder Holland. in answer to the question "how can i truly get to know my Savior Jesus Christ?": "Of course there are all the ways that we already know: praying, studying the scriptures, etc. But the best way to really know our Savior Jesus Christ is by our Suffering. We need to embrace those great moments of suffering because that is when we truly get to know Him. Often we would say to Heavenly Father: 'Let this cup pass from me', however, this cup does not pass from us and we must drink it but this is the time we will come to know the Savior more than any other time of our life. God loves a broken heart maybemore than anything else in this world. When it is hard and there is sorrow that is your Gethsemane. We are all willing to pray and read the scriptures but we are not all willing to suffer of to let our loved ones suffer. But we must go through all that to understand and to really know our Savior, we become more compassionate and then we are more inclined to help other because we know how they feel." this hit me so hard because i realized that no matter how crappy i feel or what i'm going through it's all part of life and will help me be closer to Christ.
2. i told mike that andrea was going to come back a week from monday and he said "you really do love her." why was that so cute and so tender and so heart wrenching? i'm not sure but i AM sure that it just hit me that, yeah. i do. i think it made me realize that i really love so many people in my life and it made me feel bad for ever thinking that i have no reason to be here or for thinking that i have no reason to be happy.

i think i saw justin bobby in smith's today. whoever he was, he was probably terrified of me because i squintstared at him for about 10 minutes while i stood in line to return a redbox movie. ah well.

choose easy

this makes me so sick:

" wopwoman (2 hours ago) Show Hide

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Wish he showed as much sympathy towards blacks, mexicans, and other
people he has ranted about. Instead he picks a racist cultist to cry over.
Good Lord. Give me a break! Doesn't the bible warn us of false prophets
like Hinckley?

LOL. I'm pretty sure preaching racism, magic underwear and inheriting a planet would fall into the category of a false prophet."

it was a response to a clip on youtube of glen beck paying tribute to president hinckley. i just don't understand people like that. why can't they be respectful of our religion and our beliefs? i don't care if you believe it or not. i do. and all i ask is that you respect me for that.