pony face

upd-upd-update remix!

so i keep dreaming about dream boy. AND i met dream girl IRL [in real life.] it was awkward because i felt a strange bond between us existed which did not. and because of that i probably imagined a lot of things as more than they were. she is my class librarian for a research paper we are doing. so i was most likely making more of nothing when she singled me out before class and talked my paper idea over with me.

i went grocery shopping by myself today. i liked that. next, i'm going to go out to eat by myself. then, i'm going to go to a show by myself. i'm beginning to embrace this idea of doing stuff alone.

so i've got a new phone and a new job and a new outlook on life. i feel good.

//edit: i'm mad at everyone that didn't play along with that game even though i KNOW you be readin my blog. boo.

radically different

i feel like i just cried for 10 hours. you know, that sad worn out heavy heart feeling.

today is the most niceyest nice day ever. and you can hear it in my voice.

i'm semi excited for ashleigh to come. i think it'll be fun but it will be tiring... a lot of acting and pretending. bummerville.

gather to the chapel

i love that music changes my moods and emotions so drastically. i'm working on a mixx for andrea right now. for me, the best part of making mixxes is that i get to have it after i share it with that other person. and then, forever after, that music will tie us together. whether they liked it or not.
someday, i will make a mixx for this blog. it will be sexy sexy and just for you [reader.]
i cried a bunch today. most of the time, it felt good. two times that i shall share with you:
1. andrea sent me this GREAT quote that her mom gave her from Elder Holland. in answer to the question "how can i truly get to know my Savior Jesus Christ?": "Of course there are all the ways that we already know: praying, studying the scriptures, etc. But the best way to really know our Savior Jesus Christ is by our Suffering. We need to embrace those great moments of suffering because that is when we truly get to know Him. Often we would say to Heavenly Father: 'Let this cup pass from me', however, this cup does not pass from us and we must drink it but this is the time we will come to know the Savior more than any other time of our life. God loves a broken heart maybemore than anything else in this world. When it is hard and there is sorrow that is your Gethsemane. We are all willing to pray and read the scriptures but we are not all willing to suffer of to let our loved ones suffer. But we must go through all that to understand and to really know our Savior, we become more compassionate and then we are more inclined to help other because we know how they feel." this hit me so hard because i realized that no matter how crappy i feel or what i'm going through it's all part of life and will help me be closer to Christ.
2. i told mike that andrea was going to come back a week from monday and he said "you really do love her." why was that so cute and so tender and so heart wrenching? i'm not sure but i AM sure that it just hit me that, yeah. i do. i think it made me realize that i really love so many people in my life and it made me feel bad for ever thinking that i have no reason to be here or for thinking that i have no reason to be happy.

i think i saw justin bobby in smith's today. whoever he was, he was probably terrified of me because i squintstared at him for about 10 minutes while i stood in line to return a redbox movie. ah well.

all i really have to offer.

my mom called today. we talked some more about my grandpa. we talked some more about funeral arrangements. we talked some more about flying arrangements. we avoided some more the topic of not speaking for a month. we avoided some more the topic of why she was even mad. we continued to act as if all the times we've ever been mad don't exist. and then i told her i loved her, bye. and she said bye. and then i waited like 5 seconds... and she thought i hung up. and then she said she loved me too, bye. all nice and soft. and i hung up quick like and screamed out of pure joy. all of my deepest suspicions confirmed! she loves me! and i love her. and we love each other and do i need anything else in my life? probably. but for now, i am satisfied and content and happy.

sleep apnea.

I NEED TO SLEEP OR HOW ELSE WILL I GO TO GERMAN CLASS TOMORROW?

i'm watching americas funniest home videos right now. a man just had to saw apart his la-z-boy chair because his son's head got stuck in it. he looked like adam sandler. maybe it was him. i don't care how many of these are set up. they are still HILarious.


i love the plan of salvation and knowing that my gramps is in a much better place, out of pain, and i can be with him again. amanda and i think that gramps and president hinckley are mission companions in the spirit world and they are teaching amanda's grandmother. they are just having a party up there! what fun! i stole the pic from jen because i think it perfectly portrays my grandfather.

and, as i always like to look for the silver lining: i talked to my mom today! i told her i love her! she told me to take care! so what if she only called to inform me of my grandfather's passing? its a start, no? i really do love her. even though i get mad when i hang up and she doesn't say she loves me and i call her a dumb ho. its just because i need her to tell me she loves me for me to know. we have completely different ways of showing and feeling love i think. i like to hear and feel it with hugs and words of confirmation. she likes to see it through caring actions and service. neither are bad. just different. i think its good for me to understand this. i can't wait to tell my therapist and see if he agrees!