bah de dah de dah dah

awful awful awful. no one should even treat their close friends that way and for some reason i hardly saw it coming. i definitely considered the possibility, but i also just thought it was different. i thought he was different. i thought i was different. he's not, i'm not, it wasn't.

work is new and good. tina from work is new and good. hanging out with tina from work is new and good. i need to go shower and then hopefully tina will be off work and we can go do shtuff.

today was the worst day to work because i had to wake up early and there were maybe 5 sales for the whole 4 1/2 hours i was there. which obviously means no tips. none. which means i made about $20 today. i would have rather paid pete $20 to sleep. dannnnng.

my bank account balance is $979.97. i think thats higher than it ever was all summer.

match made in heaven

you guys took too long.
he wasn't from the center.
and i called him.
weirrrrrrrrdo.
i have no self esteem/respect.

late night lists

okay boyfriend, i'm ready to plan my wedding. please meet me now.

gather to the chapel

i love that music changes my moods and emotions so drastically. i'm working on a mixx for andrea right now. for me, the best part of making mixxes is that i get to have it after i share it with that other person. and then, forever after, that music will tie us together. whether they liked it or not.
someday, i will make a mixx for this blog. it will be sexy sexy and just for you [reader.]
i cried a bunch today. most of the time, it felt good. two times that i shall share with you:
1. andrea sent me this GREAT quote that her mom gave her from Elder Holland. in answer to the question "how can i truly get to know my Savior Jesus Christ?": "Of course there are all the ways that we already know: praying, studying the scriptures, etc. But the best way to really know our Savior Jesus Christ is by our Suffering. We need to embrace those great moments of suffering because that is when we truly get to know Him. Often we would say to Heavenly Father: 'Let this cup pass from me', however, this cup does not pass from us and we must drink it but this is the time we will come to know the Savior more than any other time of our life. God loves a broken heart maybemore than anything else in this world. When it is hard and there is sorrow that is your Gethsemane. We are all willing to pray and read the scriptures but we are not all willing to suffer of to let our loved ones suffer. But we must go through all that to understand and to really know our Savior, we become more compassionate and then we are more inclined to help other because we know how they feel." this hit me so hard because i realized that no matter how crappy i feel or what i'm going through it's all part of life and will help me be closer to Christ.
2. i told mike that andrea was going to come back a week from monday and he said "you really do love her." why was that so cute and so tender and so heart wrenching? i'm not sure but i AM sure that it just hit me that, yeah. i do. i think it made me realize that i really love so many people in my life and it made me feel bad for ever thinking that i have no reason to be here or for thinking that i have no reason to be happy.

i think i saw justin bobby in smith's today. whoever he was, he was probably terrified of me because i squintstared at him for about 10 minutes while i stood in line to return a redbox movie. ah well.

p.s.

thinking about outliving the love of my life makes me die inside. i mean, breakups kill me as it is. even trying to imagine living without that love once i find it makes me curl up in a little ball and sob myself to sleep.

here we go.

you are the dream unicorn

today as i was walking into the marb, i pulled the door open and out of the corner of my eye i saw that the person behind me was carrying about 20 lbs. of books. so i reached back and held the door to let them through. i looked up as they passed and saw the most gorgeous boy and the cutest smile on his face directed at me. so then i got all flustered and he stopped so as to let me keep going so i started walking [still looking at him] and ran right into another boy that was holding the next door open for people. so then i awkwardly untangled myself from not-so-cute-boy#2 and ran quickly down the stairs so that i didn't have to relish in the awkwardness of myself in front of the book carrying beauty. that could have been the beginning of something great. i then spent the next two hours of class imagining other ways i could have handled it and they all ended with bcb and i living happily ever after with 3 children in iceland. if only i hadn't run into nscb#2.
in other news, i'm playing aubrey's itunes on shuffle and "my heart will go on" just came on and that seems to fit so perfectly with this.