double whoa squared

today my dad cut up my debit card. and then i stabbed him in the eye with his scissors.

whoa! deja vu!

but what really happened was that i overdrew my account again somehow. so he balanced it out and took my card away. when he took it, i said, "yeah, cut it up." JOKING obviously. but 5 minutes later, he came and found me carrying 10 little strips of a wells fargo debit card. he showed it to me and i just started bawling. then he said, "maybe you should go for a walk." HAH. so i officially have $2 cash to my name.

whoa! i'm rich biotch!

one minute to midnight.

i wanted to blog about a dream i had. it has a little bit of language but i shall censor it.

so i'm at some food store with my mom. not like a grocery store, like a fast food store. and we order food and i'm like "oh hey mom, i'll pay for this." so she goes to sit, and then i hand the guy my card and he swipes it and says it was rejected. and THEN he cut it! and i said "what the HECK are you doing?!" and he said, i have authorization to destroy credit cards that get rejected. so then i'm all, "that's not my credit card, that's my F-ING debit card!" so then mom comes up and she's like, "trish whats the problem?" so then i start to tell her but i get so mad that i grab the scissors that he cut my card with and i stab him in the eye. gruesome i know, but then i stab him a lot more after that. and when i woke up, i was all worried about the dream. not about having stabbed a fast food worker with his own scissors, but about having my debit card cut up.

money means more to me than a strangers life. i have a lot of thinking to do.

[p.s. its funny that the only believable part of the dream is that my card got rejected. so f-ing typical.]

[p.p.s. when emma laughs, she says "hahah laughing." like she tells you that she was laughing after she laughed. hahah laughing.]

dream collaboration

i had a dream that i was getting married and nathan goodell gave me a skateboard for my bridal shower. haha what a great gift! i wish i would stop getting married in my dreams.

geezuh.

two asian girls are outside of my window jump roping and talking really loudly. its 11:30.

i fixed the camera on my computer. all by myself! i'm a computer and technology genius.

i need a job like i've never needed anything before.

last night i dreamt about a lot of people that i wish would stay out of my dreams. i used to love waking up right after i had dreamt about him. but now, its horrible because i can't even trick myself into thinking i'll ever be friends with him.

i haven't written jaxon for 2 1/2 weeks. i wish i could make up my mind so that i could stop leading him on. i think i have decided- i just don't want to do what i know i should. i keep telling myself that i've changed my mind because that is the easy way out.

i can already tell that today/tonight will be full of many posts. make sure you read all of them. or none of them probably.

pony face

upd-upd-update remix!

so i keep dreaming about dream boy. AND i met dream girl IRL [in real life.] it was awkward because i felt a strange bond between us existed which did not. and because of that i probably imagined a lot of things as more than they were. she is my class librarian for a research paper we are doing. so i was most likely making more of nothing when she singled me out before class and talked my paper idea over with me.

i went grocery shopping by myself today. i liked that. next, i'm going to go out to eat by myself. then, i'm going to go to a show by myself. i'm beginning to embrace this idea of doing stuff alone.

so i've got a new phone and a new job and a new outlook on life. i feel good.

//edit: i'm mad at everyone that didn't play along with that game even though i KNOW you be readin my blog. boo.

broken and torn

the other night, i had a dream about two people that i do not know. a boy and a girl. i have only seen them in pictures of people i hardly know. it was dark outside and i was leaving the library. outside of the library was a hill much like the types of hills you sit on to watch fireworks. in fact, there were tons of people out there sitting on blankets and talking. it was dark outside so maybe they were stargazing. i knew i was supposed to be looking for someone but i got distracted by these two people i don't know but have seen in pictures. in my dream, we had the same relationship that we have in real life: i have seen them in pictures and they probably don't know i exist. but i saw them as i was looking for someone and all i wanted was for them to talk to me. i remember changing my facial expression and my walk in order to attract him to me. i wasn't so much worried about her; somehow in my dream, i was very confident that she would want to talk to me but i was not so confident about him. i walked by once and he watched me but she was distracted. i pretended to have dropped something and i turned around and he called out to me and handed me a book. i thanked him for the book and he asked me my name. she told me to sit down and we were instant friends. they were both a lot older than me. probably in real life as well as in the dream. i felt as though they were my parents or my older siblings. except for the fact that i wanted him to hold my hand. he put his arm around me and we lied there waiting for the show in the sky, or the stars, or whatever we were there for.

i forgot about that dream until just now when i saw a picture of both of them again. and all those feelings i had for both of them in my dream came rushing back. i feel like she is my much older sister, maybe even a mother figure for me. and he... well i just have this huge dream induced crush on him. so weird.

river so deep.

i don't think i'll be able to sleep tonight.

and by that i mean i don't want to.

i started to go to sleep just now and had the beginnings of two horrible dreams:

1. maybe you should go home. i don't feel like putting the whole dream here but there is part of it. the important part that killed me.

2. i was going to grandpa's funeral. only it was in richmond where grandpa weber's funeral was. so i get there and andrea is there and she's crying really hard and i think, wow i didn't know andrea knew grandpa so well. so then i go and hug her and i look around and there is emily watkins, and ashley devereux, and joe roberts, and matt hoyt, and i'm walking around looking for my family because i still haven't seen one family member. just high school friends. so then, i'm walking through this graveyard and i see bob kneeling by a headstone and crying. and i walk up to him and put my hand on his shoulder and then i know: the funeral was for jen. not grandpa. jen please don't die. that was a traumatizing dream.

My mom’s heart is failing.

I just finished watching live free or die hard. Sometimes all you need is a good action movie.

Blood!

Guns!

Explosions!

Car crashes!

There was one part that actually made me cry. Bizarre huh. A truck hit something and the driver’s head hit the windshield and it broke into a spider web design. And then I remembered that I did that to my little sister. The tears flowed. Shamelessly. So what if I’m sitting on an airplane watching Bruce Willis kick ass? I felt like crying.

A week and a half. Lasted longer than I ever imagined. But once it started, I must admit I got wrapped up in it and honestly thought it would last. ‘the beginning of a great thing.’ Maybe next time we can both be a little more mature. I can’t help but blame myself for part of it although I can’t see that I did anything wrong.

She hugged me before I left. I guarantee she’ll call sometime and act as if nothing happened. Why does she do that to me? False hopes and false dreams. Last night I dreamt that she didn’t go to my wedding. I kept walking around at the reception looking for her and every time I thought I saw her back, I would go tap her on the shoulder and it would just be my dad. And he would tell me, “she really does love you.”

Nyquil: No dreams.

Benadryl: Peaceful dreams.

Sleeping pills: Nightmares.

Nothing: No sleep.

i'm obsessed.

i'm going to lose 15 lbs.

when there's nothing left to burn

i fell asleep listening to music and i dreamt that i was driving in the car with my mom and dad. dad was driving and mom was in the front seat. i was in the seat directly behind mom. we were in my mom's van. mom was giving me advice on life and she kept saying, "live through this and you won't look back." while dad nodded in agreement. i woke up feeling very happy and peaceful.

this is really happening

That kind of day where nothing seems real. Until idioteque by radiohead comes on on my ipod and everything just sort of crashes down around me in such a real way that I feel as if this song has the power to make gravity somehow more “potent” or what is the word I’m looking for?

Going home is giving me an anxiety attack. It’s not going to be the same. I love bob but I can’t help but feel as if he is intruding on our family. How long will it take for me to accept him as actual family and not just jen’s husband? I want more than anything to be the grown up that I know I should be when I go home but I can’t help but be in constant panic mode because its going to be so much easier for me to just revert back to the 16-year-old-angst-filled-girl that I always tend to be the moment I step foot in that house. I guess most of my dread is based on the fact that being kind and understanding of what’s going on back home is going to be immensely stressful and maybe more than what I can handle at this point in my life. I have had enough emotional breakdowns in the past 4 months that I don’t think I can handle going home for what should be a nice Christmas break and realizing that being home will only exacerbate my despair.

Why did I do so poorly this semester? Why didn’t I care about my grades, my classes…

I think I recognize a boy in the airport right now from growing up… he was in my ward when I was probably about 13. I don’t think he would ever recognize me. I was just a little girl.

Every time anyone talks about love, I realize how amazingly naïve I am. I don’t want to be naïve, I guess its one of those things that go away the older you get… how old do I need to be?

Last night I dreamed that I became two different people because the part of me that holds all my secrets was tired of holding the secrets and broke out of my body. I walked home from class, (surprisingly, I was walking back to heritage. Not the colony or anywhere else.) and I walked into my room to find my second persona with a boy that I liked. It made me so angry. I was jealous of her. But she was me. She had told him all of my secrets and he loved her. But she wasn’t really me because I would never tell anyone all of my secrets. I was so embarrassed that she had told him all of my secrets. Including my secret feelings for him. He didn’t love me even though I was her. It was too much to ask that he love me when I could never have even had the honesty that she had that made him fall in love with her. I woke up feeling despondent because I know that I could never be 100% honest with anyone. My second persona could. But she wasn’t me.

I claim to always be there for my friends but in actuality, I am there for them for as long as I can give of myself without feeling used and then I burn bridges. Do I feel used because I really am being taken advantage of or do I feel that way because the pressure of being a good friend becomes too much for me to bear and I just give up?

lets make love

in my dream last night, i couldn't stop throwing up.
it was one of those stressful things that happen in dreams.
i just couldn't stop it.
it was something like this:

anon

i had a vision today of getting a wonderful camera and taking pictures of people on the street and making up life stories for them. i do that in my head a lot. i just imagine what is going on in their lives and it keeps my life interesting while walking around campus, etc. my favorite part is naming them. cause i'll never know what their real names are and i like choosing names that fit what they look like and assuming that i'm right.

who would like to buy me a camera?

all smoke smells good to me

you'd think that it was my job to break computers. i'm borrowing aubrey's while she works. [thank you baby.]
i should call jen. we need some good times together.
i keep having vivid dreams that all have one thing in common: i'm smoking cigarettes. i've been having them for about 2 weeks. the smoking part is the most vivid part of the dreams. one dream, all i remember is buying cigarettes and smoking the whole pack. was there more to the dream than me just buying them and standing outside of the 7-11 and smoking them? if there was, i don't remember it a bit.