darevil

yesterday was my first day of real non-training work at my new job.
it was pretty slow and i only had three tables the whole night.
BUT i got $90 in tips.

wii queremos jugar

turns out that the wii is actually a very valid form of exercise.
ever since diego got it, i have been playing all day every day.
and now i am so sore i can barely walk.
now i don't have to pay for a gym membership which is convenient because i still don't have a job.

don't judge me if i end up working at wendy's.

we've made our decision

i'm a slob and i need a job.

don't talk about that rhyme.

modeling lips

with my new unemployment-ness, i have renewed my obsessions with blog stalking, the food network, sleeping, and all HGTV shows. my life is complete again!

once again, i want to get married, have kids, decorate my beautiful house with all my money i make at my whatever-i-want-to-do job, and cook gourmet meals once in a while for my family. only once in a while though because i think if i do it all the time, they won't appreciate it as much.

i'm gaining back those 12 pounds with brazilian food. blehbleh. i'll start running some time.

salvaaaation

oh geez. i just locked myself out of my house for about 2 hours. i just sat outside and waited for someone to get home. no one did. so i broke in through my roommate's window. i don't plan on telling her about that. thats the highlight of my week.

work is blah. i would rather have a different job but i can't afford to quit without a backup plan. [no dad, you do not count as a backup plan.]

bah de dah de dah dah

awful awful awful. no one should even treat their close friends that way and for some reason i hardly saw it coming. i definitely considered the possibility, but i also just thought it was different. i thought he was different. i thought i was different. he's not, i'm not, it wasn't.

work is new and good. tina from work is new and good. hanging out with tina from work is new and good. i need to go shower and then hopefully tina will be off work and we can go do shtuff.

today was the worst day to work because i had to wake up early and there were maybe 5 sales for the whole 4 1/2 hours i was there. which obviously means no tips. none. which means i made about $20 today. i would have rather paid pete $20 to sleep. dannnnng.

my bank account balance is $979.97. i think thats higher than it ever was all summer.

hi. how are you?

i started painting my dresser.















can you see it? can you? i'm pretty satisfied.

i started work today as well. this is the first day of my life. actually, if i could pick a day to be the first day of my life, it hasn't happened yet. every option just seems like a bad way to start a life. things are getting better though. i do enjoy waking up and having responsibility. i enjoy knowing i can pay for things myself. and even some days, i wake up and i don't wish i was someone else.

i want to read a book that makes me thiiiink. middlesex is good but it hasn't led me to any new conclusions on life like rant and the bell jar did.

just now i tried to decide which of those two books [which i just recently read] changed my life more [or made me think about it more] and i honestly can't decide.

somehow this turned into a long rant about books when i really just want to write about you. but its better that i don't.

memories can't wait.

today is my dad's birthday. [aubrey your dad's too] i woke up and got ready for church altogether wayyy too early. so now i am sitting around waiting to leave. how come this never happened while i was in college?

i'm going back to work at mcdonalds on tuesday. i can't help it. cause even though they don't pay me near enough for all the crap i put up with, i still love it there. i went in there last wednesday and i saw trudy and ms. d and francesca and i couldn't help but want to go back there. i'll still be working for my dad occasionally but i think it'll be good for me to have a job where everyone is genuinely excited to see me.

yesterday i went and played laser tag with my family. it was fun but right before we left i had this major breakdown. dad told me to go change out of the dress i was wearing and i started crying so hard that i couldn't even walk up the stairs.

jeff asked me the other day, with a completely straight face, if i was going to die. my parents didn't tell any of my siblings what was going on, just that it was "health problems." i told jeff that i probably wouldn't but it was a possibility and he told me that he loved me.

this is a lame and boring blog but i have to get back into blogging somehow. so there is my upd-upd-update remix!

geezuh.

two asian girls are outside of my window jump roping and talking really loudly. its 11:30.

i fixed the camera on my computer. all by myself! i'm a computer and technology genius.

i need a job like i've never needed anything before.

last night i dreamt about a lot of people that i wish would stay out of my dreams. i used to love waking up right after i had dreamt about him. but now, its horrible because i can't even trick myself into thinking i'll ever be friends with him.

i haven't written jaxon for 2 1/2 weeks. i wish i could make up my mind so that i could stop leading him on. i think i have decided- i just don't want to do what i know i should. i keep telling myself that i've changed my mind because that is the easy way out.

i can already tell that today/tonight will be full of many posts. make sure you read all of them. or none of them probably.

i make my own decisions, or, i wish you'd leave

here are a few things i hate right NOW:
1. stupid blogs about me- seriously cut it out. i read it even though you think i don't. if you want to say something to me, SAY IT. this is probably really hypocritical because i'm not saying this to you.
2. my bank account balance. how the HELL do i overdraw so much?
3. well now i can't think about anything but how much money i need.

looks just like the sun

today i quit my job because someone hung up on me in the middle of my sentence. also, i was tired of feeling trapped and that was the only thing i could think of that i could control. so that means:
a. i'm once again unemployed
b. saturday brunch club is BACK ON!
c. more nap time. thank goodness.
i also talked to dad today and just told him why i was panicking. he said carlos would make it so i don't have to worry. then we started talking about how some days are just too hard for me and he tried to make me feel better by telling me that i'm not the only one that feels like that and that if i read my scriptures and not give in so easily to those "temptations" [to just stay in bed or not leave the house] then i'll be fine. then i told him that he was making me feel like a bad member of the church and that that shut him up quick. he told me to get a boyfriend and i'd feel better. i told him no boy wants to date a psycho girl. and he said, "well you can just pretend you're normal until he marries you and then you let him know you're psycho." HAHA. i think he might have been referring to mom.

all smoke smells good to me

you'd think that it was my job to break computers. i'm borrowing aubrey's while she works. [thank you baby.]
i should call jen. we need some good times together.
i keep having vivid dreams that all have one thing in common: i'm smoking cigarettes. i've been having them for about 2 weeks. the smoking part is the most vivid part of the dreams. one dream, all i remember is buying cigarettes and smoking the whole pack. was there more to the dream than me just buying them and standing outside of the 7-11 and smoking them? if there was, i don't remember it a bit.