beautiful boys

Sometimes new friends are just what you need. Not that you need to get rid of your old friends... you just need new faces and new humors and new laughs.
Adam used to call me trishaface which makes it weird that I named this thing trishaface since I don't really like to think about any of the parts of mine and Adam's relationship that isn't just friends like now. I hate that he's not the kind of guy I would normally like but for some reason I did. He doesn't look or dress like guys that I like, and he most certainly does not act like boys that I like. He is self conscious and yet arrogant... constantly digging for compliments. So insecure that he needs to beg me for compliments but those don't make any difference to him because he is still insanely insecure. Will this blog forever haunt me and remind me of those strange strange days when I became horribly attached to a boy I hardly knew?
As I type, the letters are showing up about a word behind the speed that I am typing them. Its a weird feeling to not see the word you just typed for a while.
I want to get rid of 'Breezy.' I'm tired of having to explain that its just a nickname. One I don't even want. I gave it to myself but now hearing people call me that is a cringe. I wonder if people ever feel that way about the nicknmaes that I give them. I tend to give nicknames a lot. I think its because I like feeling really close to people and nicknames are the best way I know how. Where do nicknames even come from? I've had quite a few nicknames throughout my life. I can't think of one that I would still be okay with people calling me. I guess Trisha is a nickname from Patricia and thats okay.
I think part of my problem this semester is that I'm afraid to let other boys in because I dont want to like any of them as much as I like/d Jaxon. Lately though, I've been thinking a lot about whether I really loved Jaxon as much as I made myself think I did or whether it was just a relationship I needed at that point. I don't want to think that because honestly I still feel those lovely feelings for him and I want to think that that really is love as deep as it gets and that I don't have to worry about never falling in love because I have already. But then I don't want to trick myself into thinking that and never allowing myself to really truly fall in love if that wasn't it. Sometimes when I get to thinking about all this lovey dovey stuff, I get all panicky inside [like I do when I think about what I want to major in...] and then I just need to clear my mind and remind myself that I am 19... still a teenager! and I have so much time to figure out all my feelings.
The girls upstairs are tap dancing in high heels I think because it sounds like a stampede of high heels and I don't think thats what it is so it must be a tap dance off in high heels. Silly girls.
I can't wait to move.
Thanksgiving in Idaho will be rad.