one of my dad's dental assistants is pakistani. he asked her how she felt about benzair bhutto being assassinated. she said she was glad because she didn't like her.
!!!
about 20 other people died because of the detonations. i don't care how you feel about a politician or even just a person. they still have lives. you can't just kill them for change.
i'm not claiming to know anything about bhutto's politics/beliefs/life/history. i just claim to know that that just isn't right.
December 29, 2007
if i hurt someone else...
today my family had a bonfire in our back woods and we roasted marshmallows. i'm so jealous of jen because i cannot wait until i find someone that i want to share those happy family moments with.
today i was looking at pictures of jaxon and i. i couldn't help it but it made me sick to my stomach. i felt one of those feelings of regret that you feel when you look back at ex-boyfriends and wonder what it was about them that made you so obsessed. i don't want to feel that. i wish he was here so that i could just feel that obsession and not this obsession with replacing him.
i used to paint. i painted this.
today i was looking at pictures of jaxon and i. i couldn't help it but it made me sick to my stomach. i felt one of those feelings of regret that you feel when you look back at ex-boyfriends and wonder what it was about them that made you so obsessed. i don't want to feel that. i wish he was here so that i could just feel that obsession and not this obsession with replacing him.
i used to paint. i painted this.
December 28, 2007
December 27, 2007
when there's nothing left to burn
i fell asleep listening to music and i dreamt that i was driving in the car with my mom and dad. dad was driving and mom was in the front seat. i was in the seat directly behind mom. we were in my mom's van. mom was giving me advice on life and she kept saying, "live through this and you won't look back." while dad nodded in agreement. i woke up feeling very happy and peaceful.
December 25, 2007
a simple question of yes or no.
for christmas, i got an anxiety attack.
and a macbook.
which is why i am stuck in this corner trying not to bawl my eyes out and blogging.
thank you mom. thank you dad.
//edit on 12/26/07 3:14 PM//
christmas was great until we got to grandma's house and mom and dad had to do the regular old "brag about our children" routine. they struggle so much when it comes to me that it hurts me to watch. i want more than anything for my parents to be proud of me. i know that they love me and all, i just wish there was something that they could just point to and say, this is our daughter trisha and LOOK what she has done!
in better news, mom and i are getting along better than ever. minus one little argument about medicine and nyquil abuse. i'm not addicted. i have health problems. i haven't been able to sleep without nyquil for about a month. maybe i should get sleeping pills instead.
and a macbook.
which is why i am stuck in this corner trying not to bawl my eyes out and blogging.
thank you mom. thank you dad.
//edit on 12/26/07 3:14 PM//
christmas was great until we got to grandma's house and mom and dad had to do the regular old "brag about our children" routine. they struggle so much when it comes to me that it hurts me to watch. i want more than anything for my parents to be proud of me. i know that they love me and all, i just wish there was something that they could just point to and say, this is our daughter trisha and LOOK what she has done!
in better news, mom and i are getting along better than ever. minus one little argument about medicine and nyquil abuse. i'm not addicted. i have health problems. i haven't been able to sleep without nyquil for about a month. maybe i should get sleeping pills instead.
December 23, 2007
this is for yes
so since i don't know who "yes" is, i have been imagining all day the people it could be:
the boy that i wish would read my blog and interpret everything precisely the right way. so he knows that almost every post was about him and he doesn't even mind. but i've never told him about my blog, he just found it and reads it religiously. but even though he interprets everything to be exactly how it is, he's not sure. so he continues to leave things the way they are for fear that what he thinks is true is completely imagined.
my dad used to read my livejournal. so what is stopping him from finding my blog and reading that too?
secret admirer that reads my blog daily in hopes that i mention him.
random blogger that somehow came across my blog and for some reason thinks it is interesting.
even if you're none of those things, i would still like to know who you are.
the boy that i wish would read my blog and interpret everything precisely the right way. so he knows that almost every post was about him and he doesn't even mind. but i've never told him about my blog, he just found it and reads it religiously. but even though he interprets everything to be exactly how it is, he's not sure. so he continues to leave things the way they are for fear that what he thinks is true is completely imagined.
my dad used to read my livejournal. so what is stopping him from finding my blog and reading that too?
secret admirer that reads my blog daily in hopes that i mention him.
random blogger that somehow came across my blog and for some reason thinks it is interesting.
even if you're none of those things, i would still like to know who you are.
December 21, 2007
the atlantic was born today
i just watched great expectations. i'd rather be lied to about love than see movies like that and realize that nothing can ever be perfect. maybe thats why i'm so naive. because i hate being told the truth. i'll probably delete this post. i learned that from aubrey.
this is really happening
That kind of day where nothing seems real. Until idioteque by radiohead comes on on my ipod and everything just sort of crashes down around me in such a real way that I feel as if this song has the power to make gravity somehow more “potent” or what is the word I’m looking for?
Going home is giving me an anxiety attack. It’s not going to be the same. I love bob but I can’t help but feel as if he is intruding on our family. How long will it take for me to accept him as actual family and not just jen’s husband? I want more than anything to be the grown up that I know I should be when I go home but I can’t help but be in constant panic mode because its going to be so much easier for me to just revert back to the 16-year-old-angst-filled-girl that I always tend to be the moment I step foot in that house. I guess most of my dread is based on the fact that being kind and understanding of what’s going on back home is going to be immensely stressful and maybe more than what I can handle at this point in my life. I have had enough emotional breakdowns in the past 4 months that I don’t think I can handle going home for what should be a nice Christmas break and realizing that being home will only exacerbate my despair.
Why did I do so poorly this semester? Why didn’t I care about my grades, my classes…
I think I recognize a boy in the airport right now from growing up… he was in my ward when I was probably about 13. I don’t think he would ever recognize me. I was just a little girl.
Every time anyone talks about love, I realize how amazingly naïve I am. I don’t want to be naïve, I guess its one of those things that go away the older you get… how old do I need to be?
Last night I dreamed that I became two different people because the part of me that holds all my secrets was tired of holding the secrets and broke out of my body. I walked home from class, (surprisingly, I was walking back to heritage. Not the colony or anywhere else.) and I walked into my room to find my second persona with a boy that I liked. It made me so angry. I was jealous of her. But she was me. She had told him all of my secrets and he loved her. But she wasn’t really me because I would never tell anyone all of my secrets. I was so embarrassed that she had told him all of my secrets. Including my secret feelings for him. He didn’t love me even though I was her. It was too much to ask that he love me when I could never have even had the honesty that she had that made him fall in love with her. I woke up feeling despondent because I know that I could never be 100% honest with anyone. My second persona could. But she wasn’t me.
I claim to always be there for my friends but in actuality, I am there for them for as long as I can give of myself without feeling used and then I burn bridges. Do I feel used because I really am being taken advantage of or do I feel that way because the pressure of being a good friend becomes too much for me to bear and I just give up?
Going home is giving me an anxiety attack. It’s not going to be the same. I love bob but I can’t help but feel as if he is intruding on our family. How long will it take for me to accept him as actual family and not just jen’s husband? I want more than anything to be the grown up that I know I should be when I go home but I can’t help but be in constant panic mode because its going to be so much easier for me to just revert back to the 16-year-old-angst-filled-girl that I always tend to be the moment I step foot in that house. I guess most of my dread is based on the fact that being kind and understanding of what’s going on back home is going to be immensely stressful and maybe more than what I can handle at this point in my life. I have had enough emotional breakdowns in the past 4 months that I don’t think I can handle going home for what should be a nice Christmas break and realizing that being home will only exacerbate my despair.
Why did I do so poorly this semester? Why didn’t I care about my grades, my classes…
I think I recognize a boy in the airport right now from growing up… he was in my ward when I was probably about 13. I don’t think he would ever recognize me. I was just a little girl.
Every time anyone talks about love, I realize how amazingly naïve I am. I don’t want to be naïve, I guess its one of those things that go away the older you get… how old do I need to be?
Last night I dreamed that I became two different people because the part of me that holds all my secrets was tired of holding the secrets and broke out of my body. I walked home from class, (surprisingly, I was walking back to heritage. Not the colony or anywhere else.) and I walked into my room to find my second persona with a boy that I liked. It made me so angry. I was jealous of her. But she was me. She had told him all of my secrets and he loved her. But she wasn’t really me because I would never tell anyone all of my secrets. I was so embarrassed that she had told him all of my secrets. Including my secret feelings for him. He didn’t love me even though I was her. It was too much to ask that he love me when I could never have even had the honesty that she had that made him fall in love with her. I woke up feeling despondent because I know that I could never be 100% honest with anyone. My second persona could. But she wasn’t me.
I claim to always be there for my friends but in actuality, I am there for them for as long as I can give of myself without feeling used and then I burn bridges. Do I feel used because I really am being taken advantage of or do I feel that way because the pressure of being a good friend becomes too much for me to bear and I just give up?
December 18, 2007
5328
sometimes i'm so completely biotchy and selfish that i surprise myself.
then i convince myself that i deserve it.
then i convince myself that i deserve it.
December 16, 2007
so what if its dec. 16
too early for new years resolutions? never.
i resolve to:
1. care about school work.
2. have a boyfriend.
3. care more about my outward appearance.
4. be better about writing jaxon.
5. not fall for people so easily.
6. not let people take advantage of me.
7. read my scriptures everyday.
8. not buy so many pointless unnecesseties.
9. worry about my real friends more than i worry about the people that i wish were my friends.
10. finish all those books i've started.
i think that number 9 is really important. sometimes i work so hard to make people like me that i forget about my true friends who already like me.
i resolve to:
1. care about school work.
2. have a boyfriend.
3. care more about my outward appearance.
4. be better about writing jaxon.
5. not fall for people so easily.
6. not let people take advantage of me.
7. read my scriptures everyday.
8. not buy so many pointless unnecesseties.
9. worry about my real friends more than i worry about the people that i wish were my friends.
10. finish all those books i've started.
i think that number 9 is really important. sometimes i work so hard to make people like me that i forget about my true friends who already like me.
December 13, 2007
you're lying... but i don't mind tonight
i said i'd not come back.
but i'm coming back.
and you better be alone.
but i'm coming back.
and you better be alone.
lets make love
in my dream last night, i couldn't stop throwing up.
it was one of those stressful things that happen in dreams.
i just couldn't stop it.
it was something like this:
it was one of those stressful things that happen in dreams.
i just couldn't stop it.
it was something like this:
anon
i had a vision today of getting a wonderful camera and taking pictures of people on the street and making up life stories for them. i do that in my head a lot. i just imagine what is going on in their lives and it keeps my life interesting while walking around campus, etc. my favorite part is naming them. cause i'll never know what their real names are and i like choosing names that fit what they look like and assuming that i'm right.
who would like to buy me a camera?
who would like to buy me a camera?
December 12, 2007
tonight will go on forever
i realized so much about myself yesterday.
josh said that major temptations for him were things like not going to church. the little stuff. sometimes the only reason i go is because aubrey does. not that i don't like church or anything... its just that i don't really see it as a big deal to miss once in a while. when josh said that, i wished that i thought that it was a temptation of mine to not go. i never thought it was. my temptations are smoking and drinking coffee. and the little things too. like not going to church. or not going to tithing settlement. why did i do that yesterday? i had no reason to not go.
i have a natural tendency to go against what i'm told.
i have a lot of growing up to do.
one thing i absolutely can't stand is when people are music snobs. i honestly love all music and will listen to any artist. i don't like when a song comes on and people don't give it a chance. just shut up and listen. it's not that big of a pet peeve though. its just like when it happens, its just kind of a cringe.
i want to know my mom better. everything that happened really sucks and all, but i think its time for me to grow up and try to know her the way all mothers and daughters should know each other. it makes me really sad and nostalgic when people talk about their moms because i feel like i'm missing out on some great relationship with an amazing woman. i really want that. i wouldn't change how i was raised at all. i think that everything i went through made me a stronger and more compassionate person. but i think its time for this strong, compassionate girl to start learning who her mother really is. hopefully this christmas break will be exactly the right time for both of us to put our differences aside and start knowing each other.
i have no clue what i want to do with my life. that stresses me out so much. i know that i want to do so many things but i don't see how it will all fit or how i can even get started. i want to major in art history. i want to go to austria. i want to go to iceland. i want to go to thailand. i want to go to india. i want to go to spain. i want to go to chile. i want to go to brazil. i want to fall in love. i want to get married. i want to have a family. i want to own an art gallery. i want to spend all of my days painting.
i really used to love painting. i stopped doing it completely when i came out here to BYU. why? i want to start again. it helped me get through so many stressful nights. maybe thats why i stopped. because before i had used it as an outlet of my feelings for my mom and friends. and when i came out here, i didn't have any of those strong strong feelings for anyone out here and i cut myself off from everyone out there.
i love people too easily. not just love in the romantic way. i genuinely love all of my friends right now. i would do anything for any of them. sometimes i say i'm a pushover and aubrey tells me that i'm not a pushover, i'm selfless. sometimes i really really hate it because i feel like people take advantage of my generosity.
i want to find something that i'm so passionate about that its all i ever want to talk about.
josh said that major temptations for him were things like not going to church. the little stuff. sometimes the only reason i go is because aubrey does. not that i don't like church or anything... its just that i don't really see it as a big deal to miss once in a while. when josh said that, i wished that i thought that it was a temptation of mine to not go. i never thought it was. my temptations are smoking and drinking coffee. and the little things too. like not going to church. or not going to tithing settlement. why did i do that yesterday? i had no reason to not go.
i have a natural tendency to go against what i'm told.
i have a lot of growing up to do.
one thing i absolutely can't stand is when people are music snobs. i honestly love all music and will listen to any artist. i don't like when a song comes on and people don't give it a chance. just shut up and listen. it's not that big of a pet peeve though. its just like when it happens, its just kind of a cringe.
i want to know my mom better. everything that happened really sucks and all, but i think its time for me to grow up and try to know her the way all mothers and daughters should know each other. it makes me really sad and nostalgic when people talk about their moms because i feel like i'm missing out on some great relationship with an amazing woman. i really want that. i wouldn't change how i was raised at all. i think that everything i went through made me a stronger and more compassionate person. but i think its time for this strong, compassionate girl to start learning who her mother really is. hopefully this christmas break will be exactly the right time for both of us to put our differences aside and start knowing each other.
i have no clue what i want to do with my life. that stresses me out so much. i know that i want to do so many things but i don't see how it will all fit or how i can even get started. i want to major in art history. i want to go to austria. i want to go to iceland. i want to go to thailand. i want to go to india. i want to go to spain. i want to go to chile. i want to go to brazil. i want to fall in love. i want to get married. i want to have a family. i want to own an art gallery. i want to spend all of my days painting.
i really used to love painting. i stopped doing it completely when i came out here to BYU. why? i want to start again. it helped me get through so many stressful nights. maybe thats why i stopped. because before i had used it as an outlet of my feelings for my mom and friends. and when i came out here, i didn't have any of those strong strong feelings for anyone out here and i cut myself off from everyone out there.
i love people too easily. not just love in the romantic way. i genuinely love all of my friends right now. i would do anything for any of them. sometimes i say i'm a pushover and aubrey tells me that i'm not a pushover, i'm selfless. sometimes i really really hate it because i feel like people take advantage of my generosity.
i want to find something that i'm so passionate about that its all i ever want to talk about.
December 11, 2007
don't move so slow
something bad just happened.
i've been trying to keep it from happening for about a month now.
but i think its finally happened and i don't like it.
i also don't know how to undo it.
i've been trying to keep it from happening for about a month now.
but i think its finally happened and i don't like it.
i also don't know how to undo it.
December 10, 2007
face yoga
a special thanks to TIME magazine for making it possible for women everywhere to exercise their face as much as the rest of their bodies.
the marilyn monroe- repeated blowing kisses like a starlet makes for stronger lips and a firmer pout.
the lion- work on all the facial muscles by squinching up your face as tight as you can and then releasing it.
the buddha- a subtle relaxation pose to release unconscious facial clenching or tightening.
free your tongue- the tongue needs to be stretched and toned. any tingling means the pose is working.
satchmo- puffing your cheeks as though you were about to blow a trumpet will keep them supple.
temple dancer eyes- by darting your eyes in different directions, you can erase crows feet.
surprise me!- widening your eyes while keeping your forehead steady is a great brow smoother.
baby bird- to help firm the cheeks, chin and neck, this pose is an antidote to pesky jowls.
bumblebees- lip vibrations tone the mouth area and cheeks while helping to release jaw tension.
the marilyn monroe- repeated blowing kisses like a starlet makes for stronger lips and a firmer pout.
the lion- work on all the facial muscles by squinching up your face as tight as you can and then releasing it.
the buddha- a subtle relaxation pose to release unconscious facial clenching or tightening.
free your tongue- the tongue needs to be stretched and toned. any tingling means the pose is working.
satchmo- puffing your cheeks as though you were about to blow a trumpet will keep them supple.
temple dancer eyes- by darting your eyes in different directions, you can erase crows feet.
surprise me!- widening your eyes while keeping your forehead steady is a great brow smoother.
baby bird- to help firm the cheeks, chin and neck, this pose is an antidote to pesky jowls.
bumblebees- lip vibrations tone the mouth area and cheeks while helping to release jaw tension.
December 09, 2007
me gusta cuando callas
i have started too many books. i love them all though and want to read all of them at once. its hard though because i will spend a day reading one of them and getting into that story and the feeling of that particular writing and then the next day i want to read a different book and i lose the feeling of the first one.
books i am currently reading:
-speed of dark
-love in the time of cholera
-collected poems of pablo neruda
-book of lost things
-prozac nation
-life of pi
-all the pretty horses
all books that i have started but not finished this semester. i never wanted to be that kind of person that starts a book but doesn't finish it. i'm noticing more and more that i am becoming the type of person i never wanted to become in so many ways. although i still have a long list of books to finish, i'm always looking for more book recommendations.... anyone?
books i am currently reading:
-speed of dark
-love in the time of cholera
-collected poems of pablo neruda
-book of lost things
-prozac nation
-life of pi
-all the pretty horses
all books that i have started but not finished this semester. i never wanted to be that kind of person that starts a book but doesn't finish it. i'm noticing more and more that i am becoming the type of person i never wanted to become in so many ways. although i still have a long list of books to finish, i'm always looking for more book recommendations.... anyone?
December 03, 2007
you are the dream unicorn
today as i was walking into the marb, i pulled the door open and out of the corner of my eye i saw that the person behind me was carrying about 20 lbs. of books. so i reached back and held the door to let them through. i looked up as they passed and saw the most gorgeous boy and the cutest smile on his face directed at me. so then i got all flustered and he stopped so as to let me keep going so i started walking [still looking at him] and ran right into another boy that was holding the next door open for people. so then i awkwardly untangled myself from not-so-cute-boy#2 and ran quickly down the stairs so that i didn't have to relish in the awkwardness of myself in front of the book carrying beauty. that could have been the beginning of something great. i then spent the next two hours of class imagining other ways i could have handled it and they all ended with bcb and i living happily ever after with 3 children in iceland. if only i hadn't run into nscb#2.
in other news, i'm playing aubrey's itunes on shuffle and "my heart will go on" just came on and that seems to fit so perfectly with this.
in other news, i'm playing aubrey's itunes on shuffle and "my heart will go on" just came on and that seems to fit so perfectly with this.
i want you so bad
andrea and i just drove all the way to american fork to take crystal some socks at work because hers were wet. then we got there and her socks weren't even wet. so gay.
i wish i had a crush on someone. i've been so upset about not having one lately that i think that if i ever get one soon, it'll be forced and not a good one. kind of like what they said on planet earth last night: "a sudden flush of vegetation is what every desert dweller waits for. and when it happens, they make the most of it." i'll make the most out of any crush i can get. haha.
it wasn't that bad hanging out with ryan all day on saturday. he's a funny kid and i can appreciate that.
i'm making fudge and other cookies and things today. i'm going to send some to jaxon and eat the rest. actually, i'll try to give it all away so that i can have the joy of making it without the side effects of getting fat[ter].
aubrey just got home and i'm on her computer. oh crap.
i wish i had a crush on someone. i've been so upset about not having one lately that i think that if i ever get one soon, it'll be forced and not a good one. kind of like what they said on planet earth last night: "a sudden flush of vegetation is what every desert dweller waits for. and when it happens, they make the most of it." i'll make the most out of any crush i can get. haha.
it wasn't that bad hanging out with ryan all day on saturday. he's a funny kid and i can appreciate that.
i'm making fudge and other cookies and things today. i'm going to send some to jaxon and eat the rest. actually, i'll try to give it all away so that i can have the joy of making it without the side effects of getting fat[ter].
aubrey just got home and i'm on her computer. oh crap.
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