laughing in the willow trees

i know i know. my blog is getting an F- for may. i'm so sorry.

today at work, i got two boys numbers without asking. wham bam thank you ma'am. but in all seriousness, do they really expect me to call? maybe i will call one of them because he was really nice and plus i need to date right? but how weird would that be please tell me.

in other news, my little sister has a blog too. melodramatic? probably will be. feel free to read it though. haha.

shout out to chris daddio because he reads this and i found out today. chris loves mormonism. its cool.

this doesn't apply to anyone that reads this.

whispers in my ear. 3 days ago they could have changed the world. now they are just annoying brushes against my skin. retrospect is no compensation for indifference. please don't. please.

heaven knows that i'm miserable

sometimes i get so mad and so upset that i just want to break something or punch someone. and then other times, i feel so happy and so excited about life, that i feel the same way. the same kind of desire to
crush.
smash.
crunch.
slam.
bang.
snap.
pop.
how can those two completely different emotions evoke the same exact desire?

today was another boohoobaby day. church gave me an anxiety attack. for some reason, the boy talking in sacrament was talking about school goals and being prepared for tests and im sure there was a deeper analogical [is that a word?!] meaning, but all i could think about was:

that i'm failing all of my classes. i can't seem to make myself wake up and get out of bed and GO to class. why am i even IN college? i don't know what i want to do with my life. i can't even get myself out of bed until the sun comes up. WHY?

hopefully you can see where the anxiety attack came from. i went to the bathroom and threw up. twice. i sat in the bathroom for 10 minutes after that but the sicky sicky stomach feeling wouldn't go away.

then this little girl and her mother came in. i was sitting in the mothers lounge part with my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands. the girl whispered "mom look what i found. whats wrong with her?" "just leave her alone, okay?" "she's dead. i know she is." how morbid is that? but maybe i was dead.

what if i had been. one handful of pills and i just passed out right there. goodbye baby. too bad you couldn't handle sacrament meeting.

sing me to sleep. sing me to sleep. and then leave me alone. don't try to wake me in the morning. because i will be gone. don't feel bad for me. i want you to know. deep in the cells of my heart, i will be glad to go.

i've been learning how

to make really long and boring blogs that no one in their right mind should read.

DAD:
today, my great uncle kent was talking to jen about her husband. and then dad said, "oh yeah trish where's your husband? on a mission!"
two things:
1. please stop making me feel like an old maid dad. i'm 19. i don't need to have a husband yet.
2. please stop acting like i am already married to jaxon or even acting like i'm GOING to marry jaxon.
MOM:
today after dinner she was like, "trisha, did someone hurt you? you seem so mad at the world and cynical these days."
two things:
1. i am not cynical! (?)
2. if i am, then yes. you hurt me. can you really not see that ?


maybe i am cynical. i can think of about a million things to complain about and yell about and cuss about and yet... i can only think of one really: nothing goes my way.
i'm so spoiled and rotten and i'm trying so hard right now to count my blessings and all that but its so hard when all i want is out of this rotten spoiled mess.

this kind of crying is my favorite kind. where the tears just stream endlessly out of your eyes and trickle down your cheeks; tickling your nose and salting your mouth. there are no heaving sobs involved with this kind of sorrow. its the most peaceful anguish possible.

grandpa didn't want the military funeral everyone said. and then when the man being buried closest to grandpa received the gun shots everyone laughed and said, "how ironic!" and then the bugle started playing and grandma softly exclaimed "its a miracle!" and those peaceful flowing tears began from my eyes. standing in the mud in the beautiful february weather and listening to the miracle of that hauntingly eloquent melody, i have never felt more at peace.

i loved today when grandma came up to me and said "we have the same name!" and i said "yeah! we do!" and she grabbed me in a hug and laughed.

today felt like sunday. and then like saturday. but never like monday. which will make tuesday pretty hard.

now for only $5.99!

how about some credit now?

i realize now that my relationship with my mother is ninety-nine percent more important to me than anything else going on. nothing hurts me more than when she isn't talking to me or when she is being mean to me. i'm glad that i'm able to let it affect me less while i'm out here. please don't make me go back. i don't see how i will possibly handle going back. i can't go back dad. please please. please. but no. not even my dreams can lie about whats going to inevitably happen to us. oh God mom. stop stop stop stop stop stop stop. i cant stop, you won't stop. this won't stop. make it stop stop.

but no matter what i say, don't leave me. don't give up on me. i haven't given up on you.

this is meaningless and full of bad grammar.

i wish i could talk. really talk. where is the half of me that allows me to speak? i don't feel like i have a single friend that i can honestly divulge every part of my thoughts to. who would listen anyways? why won't anyone listen? i can think of a million people that i would love to just vent to. but i don't want to burden them with that.

pound pound. slam. down up over down.

i wish there were no emotion. i wish i was a blank piece of paper. don't bother trying to read me because i'm as simple as i look. no surprise.

i can't even listen to anything without thinking of you. and "you" are not who everyone reading this will likely assume at first. hell, i don't even want you to be "you." if i had to choose one person to haunt my waking [and even dreaming] thoughts, you would be my last choice.

why am i so confident? even with you so far away from me. this distance that you create will not dissuade my overconfidence. nothing can. but i'm trying. hard as i can. to dissuade myself. we'll work on this together. team effort.

we do work so well as a team.

what if its all a lie?

i hate myself for being able to read so deeply into a very simple and shallow relationship. i'm trying to create this super complex relationship out of something that, deep down, i know is just as simple as it appears to everyone else.

everything we say to each other is some sort of code that only i know exists. and only i know how to break it. and of course the way to break it is to turn every sentence, every word, even every glance, into a

secret confession of love.

i do this all the time. only once has it worked out the way i wanted it to.

and even then, the relationship was purely romanticized in my mind as something much more than it really was. and i was left to pick up the shattered remains of my broken heart when i realized what i had done.

i don't want to do that again. not anymore. i don't care if even half the stuff i imagine is true.

i need to stop myself before its too late.
i need to allow whatever will happen to happen.
i need to stop trying to rush things.
i need to stop making something out of nothing.
i need to.