heaven knows that i'm miserable

sometimes i get so mad and so upset that i just want to break something or punch someone. and then other times, i feel so happy and so excited about life, that i feel the same way. the same kind of desire to
crush.
smash.
crunch.
slam.
bang.
snap.
pop.
how can those two completely different emotions evoke the same exact desire?

today was another boohoobaby day. church gave me an anxiety attack. for some reason, the boy talking in sacrament was talking about school goals and being prepared for tests and im sure there was a deeper analogical [is that a word?!] meaning, but all i could think about was:

that i'm failing all of my classes. i can't seem to make myself wake up and get out of bed and GO to class. why am i even IN college? i don't know what i want to do with my life. i can't even get myself out of bed until the sun comes up. WHY?

hopefully you can see where the anxiety attack came from. i went to the bathroom and threw up. twice. i sat in the bathroom for 10 minutes after that but the sicky sicky stomach feeling wouldn't go away.

then this little girl and her mother came in. i was sitting in the mothers lounge part with my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands. the girl whispered "mom look what i found. whats wrong with her?" "just leave her alone, okay?" "she's dead. i know she is." how morbid is that? but maybe i was dead.

what if i had been. one handful of pills and i just passed out right there. goodbye baby. too bad you couldn't handle sacrament meeting.

sing me to sleep. sing me to sleep. and then leave me alone. don't try to wake me in the morning. because i will be gone. don't feel bad for me. i want you to know. deep in the cells of my heart, i will be glad to go.