this is really happening

That kind of day where nothing seems real. Until idioteque by radiohead comes on on my ipod and everything just sort of crashes down around me in such a real way that I feel as if this song has the power to make gravity somehow more “potent” or what is the word I’m looking for?

Going home is giving me an anxiety attack. It’s not going to be the same. I love bob but I can’t help but feel as if he is intruding on our family. How long will it take for me to accept him as actual family and not just jen’s husband? I want more than anything to be the grown up that I know I should be when I go home but I can’t help but be in constant panic mode because its going to be so much easier for me to just revert back to the 16-year-old-angst-filled-girl that I always tend to be the moment I step foot in that house. I guess most of my dread is based on the fact that being kind and understanding of what’s going on back home is going to be immensely stressful and maybe more than what I can handle at this point in my life. I have had enough emotional breakdowns in the past 4 months that I don’t think I can handle going home for what should be a nice Christmas break and realizing that being home will only exacerbate my despair.

Why did I do so poorly this semester? Why didn’t I care about my grades, my classes…

I think I recognize a boy in the airport right now from growing up… he was in my ward when I was probably about 13. I don’t think he would ever recognize me. I was just a little girl.

Every time anyone talks about love, I realize how amazingly naïve I am. I don’t want to be naïve, I guess its one of those things that go away the older you get… how old do I need to be?

Last night I dreamed that I became two different people because the part of me that holds all my secrets was tired of holding the secrets and broke out of my body. I walked home from class, (surprisingly, I was walking back to heritage. Not the colony or anywhere else.) and I walked into my room to find my second persona with a boy that I liked. It made me so angry. I was jealous of her. But she was me. She had told him all of my secrets and he loved her. But she wasn’t really me because I would never tell anyone all of my secrets. I was so embarrassed that she had told him all of my secrets. Including my secret feelings for him. He didn’t love me even though I was her. It was too much to ask that he love me when I could never have even had the honesty that she had that made him fall in love with her. I woke up feeling despondent because I know that I could never be 100% honest with anyone. My second persona could. But she wasn’t me.

I claim to always be there for my friends but in actuality, I am there for them for as long as I can give of myself without feeling used and then I burn bridges. Do I feel used because I really am being taken advantage of or do I feel that way because the pressure of being a good friend becomes too much for me to bear and I just give up?