tonight will go on forever

i realized so much about myself yesterday.

josh said that major temptations for him were things like not going to church. the little stuff. sometimes the only reason i go is because aubrey does. not that i don't like church or anything... its just that i don't really see it as a big deal to miss once in a while. when josh said that, i wished that i thought that it was a temptation of mine to not go. i never thought it was. my temptations are smoking and drinking coffee. and the little things too. like not going to church. or not going to tithing settlement. why did i do that yesterday? i had no reason to not go.

i have a natural tendency to go against what i'm told.

i have a lot of growing up to do.

one thing i absolutely can't stand is when people are music snobs. i honestly love all music and will listen to any artist. i don't like when a song comes on and people don't give it a chance. just shut up and listen. it's not that big of a pet peeve though. its just like when it happens, its just kind of a cringe.

i want to know my mom better. everything that happened really sucks and all, but i think its time for me to grow up and try to know her the way all mothers and daughters should know each other. it makes me really sad and nostalgic when people talk about their moms because i feel like i'm missing out on some great relationship with an amazing woman. i really want that. i wouldn't change how i was raised at all. i think that everything i went through made me a stronger and more compassionate person. but i think its time for this strong, compassionate girl to start learning who her mother really is. hopefully this christmas break will be exactly the right time for both of us to put our differences aside and start knowing each other.

i have no clue what i want to do with my life. that stresses me out so much. i know that i want to do so many things but i don't see how it will all fit or how i can even get started. i want to major in art history. i want to go to austria. i want to go to iceland. i want to go to thailand. i want to go to india. i want to go to spain. i want to go to chile. i want to go to brazil. i want to fall in love. i want to get married. i want to have a family. i want to own an art gallery. i want to spend all of my days painting.

i really used to love painting. i stopped doing it completely when i came out here to BYU. why? i want to start again. it helped me get through so many stressful nights. maybe thats why i stopped. because before i had used it as an outlet of my feelings for my mom and friends. and when i came out here, i didn't have any of those strong strong feelings for anyone out here and i cut myself off from everyone out there.

i love people too easily. not just love in the romantic way. i genuinely love all of my friends right now. i would do anything for any of them. sometimes i say i'm a pushover and aubrey tells me that i'm not a pushover, i'm selfless. sometimes i really really hate it because i feel like people take advantage of my generosity.

i want to find something that i'm so passionate about that its all i ever want to talk about.