pros and cons

things that make me feel complete:
1. knowing/seeing personal parts of people's lives that i don't know/very well. i think thats why i like the things in Found Magazine so much. because they are little snips of people's personal lives that i can see without asking or knowing them. also, reading peoples blogs that i don't really know. weird, huh.
2. movies that shock me. change my life. make me think about more than just the plot lines. even if all they make me think about is what the actor is like in real life or what the actor thought about the plot, at least i'm thinking. right?
3. painting things in my mind. i can even see my hands making the strokes or dragging the paint over the canvas. i hope that one day i can paint all those daydreamed paintings. but until then, i still love doing it in my mind.
4. walking through the snow by myself, but there are other people there they just aren't with me. then i think of something funny, or of a person that i really like, and i smile to myself. then i think about how that might look to people walking around me, so then i kind of chuckle. and then, i think about what that might sound like to people walking around me, so then i full out laugh. and it feels so good to just be a little crazy in that moment.
5. when i'm driving and its warm outside, but not hot. just like, crisply nice weather. so the windows are down and i'm listening to some soft pretty music and i cruise up to a stop light and i'm waiting to start and i smell, from the car in front of me, the light smell of cigarettes and i breathe in deeply and listen closely and feel the soft breeze blow my hair, and i'm infinite.

things that make me want to scream:
1. it's silent and i am only with one person right then and i am thinking of what to say next or what to ask next, and i wonder if the other person is trying to come up with something too or if they are just thinking.
2. when i have the most important news of my life and all i want to do is tell someone, or maybe i just really want to get my feelings out, and i can't find a single person that is interested in listening to me for a long time. so i sit online on gchat AND aim and wait for someone that is remotely interested in me to talk to. because i don't have the guts or nerves to call someone and expect them to listen to me.
3. when i open my window at night because it is hot and then i wake up in the middle of the night, curled up in the fetal position because it is so cold. and i lay there for an hour just curled up because it is so cold that i'm afraid to move to close the window or grab another blanket.
4. i see a picture of my hands or a video recording of me and all i can focus on is my hands and how awkward they are, and all of a sudden i am worried about where my arms are placed and what position my hands are in and what stories they are telling when i am not looking or paying attention.
5. i am on the verge of a question or a statement and that's all i can think about saying and i say it over and over again in my head but i can't say it for fear of being rude or for fear of making a complete idiot of myself or for just plain fear. and so by the time i've built up the courage to actually say it, the moment has passed and i have missed half the conversation.