i treat you wrong

norfolk you.
norfolk me.
norfolk us all.

at the moment, i'm so glad to be here. i like having a job, a house, some classes, new people to meet and watch, new things to discover, new places to see for the first time ever. like that first time i ever stepped off the plane in utah and seeing those mountains and not believing them. its easy to get so comfortable with places, people, animals, books, music that you no longer recognize the beauty of it. repetition repetition repetition.

i still get lost inside of this city.
i still get lost inside of myself.
think about that. i can find my way around provo utah like a pro and i only lived there for less than two years. i've lived inside this body and these thoughts and fingers and knees for 20 years and i still never know what they will do next. anticipation procrastination position repetition repetition.

i'm going to take a math class and an art history class at tcc. two classes that i know i can do well in for only 6 credits which will hopefully be enough.

pretend love

i have only a few things to say. first, i hate texting because i cannot determine tone of voice or intonation through a text so i just make it up how i want it to be. texting simply opens more opportunities for me to make up my own conversations with people. second, i'm scared to death to move to norfolk. i officially did not get accepted to ODU which means that i will have to work and live which, fine but how will i meet people? i'm so bad at meeting new people because i've never actually had to do it. thrid, i wish i could pause time on this beautiful cloudless morning.

blips

virginia is so beautiful. yesterday i went to bears den for about 4 hours and i've never felt so comfortable sitting on giant rocks. leave to want ever don't i.

i have a bad habit of twisting words and sentences and looks and phone calls and texts and emails and facebook comments and conversations that i am not a part of into something they really aren't. and i don't always make them into things i want to hear as much as things i absolutely do not want to hear. paranoid. destroyed. schizoid. null and void.

my life is currently in retrograde. reliving freshman year at college in so many different ways. depending on whether i am accepted or not, i'll be at a new school; the friends that i tried to kick out of my life during sophomore year are here to stay; even my attitude towards life is back in freshman mode.

augmenting my fame

i have about a week left in provo. depending on how my biology class goes. luckily, i was able to get tuition money back for my dad. he pretended like money didn't matter when i told him. i know he's secretly happy about it but i'm glad that he acted like he didn't care about the money and only about me.

i've never loved the church and my family and friends more than i do right now. i'm so grateful for the outpour of love and support i've gotten from everyone.

love.love.love.love.

looks just like the sun

today i quit my job because someone hung up on me in the middle of my sentence. also, i was tired of feeling trapped and that was the only thing i could think of that i could control. so that means:
a. i'm once again unemployed
b. saturday brunch club is BACK ON!
c. more nap time. thank goodness.
i also talked to dad today and just told him why i was panicking. he said carlos would make it so i don't have to worry. then we started talking about how some days are just too hard for me and he tried to make me feel better by telling me that i'm not the only one that feels like that and that if i read my scriptures and not give in so easily to those "temptations" [to just stay in bed or not leave the house] then i'll be fine. then i told him that he was making me feel like a bad member of the church and that that shut him up quick. he told me to get a boyfriend and i'd feel better. i told him no boy wants to date a psycho girl. and he said, "well you can just pretend you're normal until he marries you and then you let him know you're psycho." HAHA. i think he might have been referring to mom.

all the way

i just ransacked my ENTIRE apartment looking for my german book. it is GONE.

i'm watching deal or no deal and i'm getting so anxious and i want him to just take the money. that is a HUGE amount of money! he's gonna lose all of it!

wait just a minute!

i love when random noises or smells or even feelings bring back strong vivid memories. today as i was driving to work, i held my left hand outside the window till it was freezing cold and held my right hand in front of the heater inside the car. then, at the stop light, i held them both together, cold hand covering hot hand, and i was overwhelmed by memories of mexico. that one night that we were at the beach and we held some parrots. i don't remember much about that night, just the parrots, and that's what i remembered. a strange thing to be reminded of by that random feeling.

we gave chester away today. i haven't cried yet but i've been close several times. i really will miss that cat.

i'm glad for all my teachers being so helpful about my attendance and make up work. thank goodness for gem teachers.

having ashleigh here has actually made me realize how much i love and miss jaxon. i guess because of all the memories we've been talking about and all the things she has told me that i didn't ever know. like how he would talk about me to his friends. or how sam would always ask him how "things with trish" were. or how he told ashleigh she wasn't allowed to meet me if she called me breezy. yeah, i miss him.

love me back

all-nighter! yeah!
this is what happens when i do NOTHING all weekend.
brandon better be ready for a break in an hour.
i'm ready now but i should maybe DO some work before i take a break.
eh, what the hell.

in other news!

i went to a hardcore show with mike and phil last night. i told them that the crowd would all be a bunch of 12 year old hot topic kids and then we laughed about that. and they said that those kids were all my friends and we laughed [cause jokes about how young i am never get old.] and then we got there and i was right about the hot topic kids. and i laughed a lot during the show because it was funny and reminded me of high school. [not hard since that was like last year, HAHA. still funny.] the bled played and they were way good but they didn't play gemini and that sucked. and then from first to last played and i almost typed their name from first to laugh and that would be correct. it was a laugh. horrible. they played both the songs i knew but i didn't know them without sonny singing. then every time i die played and while i have heard their stuff, i only knew like one song and they played it and it was good and their whole set was really good.

i told andrea that today was the crappiest day of my life but i think it has gotten better since.

i really like mirah right now. a lot.

love is not a victory march

hallelujah!

i no longer care about anything.

an intense feeling of peace just washed over me.

i don't necessarily think its a good kind of peace though... more like the kind where i just don't care if i'm in debt. i just don't care if i fail out of school. i just don't care if i'm going crazy.

i just don't care.

hallelujah!

Trisha in 100 words or less.

I know what I want in life but can I ever have it? I have so many dreams, but I often worry that I’m being naïve in believing that they can really come true. Am I simply basing my life off of 10-year-old dreams that aren’t in the least bit realistic? I am a dreamer as well as being very proactive. When I want something, I go after it wholeheartedly until I either have it or I no longer want it.

what evolution is not

plz don't fail me uncle paul.

bizarre love triangle

the cold air always makes me want a cute boy to cuddle up with. its just not fair that i can't find one. i think i don't go about looking for one in the right way. i mean obviously i'm the one doing something wrong... right?
i've been sick both nights in a row so far this week and right now my spleen is exploding i think... so that means 3 nights in a row. WHAT IS WRONG?? i would go to a doctor but my dad got mad at me last time i went.
i have a huge research paper due on thursday but for some reason i can't get myself to worry about anything other than my social life and health. i haven't even started that paper. its about the church's stand on animal rights. pretty easy i would say.
sometimes my e-boyf says the cutest things and then i wish that i was actually in a relationship with him because he'd be one bangin' boyfriend. but then i remember that i don't actually know him... i just like the cute fake things we say to each other.
krislyn, aubrey, and i just went to SLC with nate and jeff to look at the lights and eat some food. we went to the red iguana for food. delish. it was a fun spontaneous thing to do. it was snowing up there too which was one of the reasons we wanted to go.
i have a stalker but today i think he finally got the hint... i shafted him for the 5th time. i hope he got it but i can no haz guarantee because he didnt get the first 4 shafts... so who knows.