hi. how are you?

i started painting my dresser.















can you see it? can you? i'm pretty satisfied.

i started work today as well. this is the first day of my life. actually, if i could pick a day to be the first day of my life, it hasn't happened yet. every option just seems like a bad way to start a life. things are getting better though. i do enjoy waking up and having responsibility. i enjoy knowing i can pay for things myself. and even some days, i wake up and i don't wish i was someone else.

i want to read a book that makes me thiiiink. middlesex is good but it hasn't led me to any new conclusions on life like rant and the bell jar did.

just now i tried to decide which of those two books [which i just recently read] changed my life more [or made me think about it more] and i honestly can't decide.

somehow this turned into a long rant about books when i really just want to write about you. but its better that i don't.

i treat you wrong

norfolk you.
norfolk me.
norfolk us all.

at the moment, i'm so glad to be here. i like having a job, a house, some classes, new people to meet and watch, new things to discover, new places to see for the first time ever. like that first time i ever stepped off the plane in utah and seeing those mountains and not believing them. its easy to get so comfortable with places, people, animals, books, music that you no longer recognize the beauty of it. repetition repetition repetition.

i still get lost inside of this city.
i still get lost inside of myself.
think about that. i can find my way around provo utah like a pro and i only lived there for less than two years. i've lived inside this body and these thoughts and fingers and knees for 20 years and i still never know what they will do next. anticipation procrastination position repetition repetition.

i'm going to take a math class and an art history class at tcc. two classes that i know i can do well in for only 6 credits which will hopefully be enough.

pretend love

i have only a few things to say. first, i hate texting because i cannot determine tone of voice or intonation through a text so i just make it up how i want it to be. texting simply opens more opportunities for me to make up my own conversations with people. second, i'm scared to death to move to norfolk. i officially did not get accepted to ODU which means that i will have to work and live which, fine but how will i meet people? i'm so bad at meeting new people because i've never actually had to do it. thrid, i wish i could pause time on this beautiful cloudless morning.

say THIS 15 times fast.

i love my work because i give old people conversation.
i hate my work because i sit on a phone all day and get rejected 6/10 times.
i love my work because it keeps me occupied and busy.
i hate my work because the phone hurts my ear.
i love my work because there is a hot secret crush boy.
i hate my work because there is a guy that no matter where he sits, i can hear his annnoying voice.

10 simple ways to get over you:

i started to write this list of really bitter ways to get over him. but then i realized that i'm not bitter and those ways aren't going to help me. i guess i'm really just not all that worried about getting over him. i still really like him, so whats the point of trying to make myself hate him just because he doesn't like me too. right? RIGHT?
so i'll just keep being his friend and it'll sizzle out eventually.
one thing i DO have to stop is dropping any and everything for him. no more of that!

i love you to jesus and back.

chester keeps sitting on my keyboard or trying to walk across it. she's so cute and i love her to death. i never want to go anywhere now because that means i won't get to spend time with her. chester, plz b mah boiifren.

today, i played the "how long can i close my eyes while driving" game. i got to 15 seconds and i was really proud. and then, 5 minutes later, i realized that while i had been focusing so hard on that game, i managed to miss my turn and was now lost somewhere in orem. lucky for me, everything is on the grid system and i got myself back safely.

for bonnie: i finished 2 of the 3 books. working on 2 more of the 6.

srsly. srsly srsrsrsrsllllyyyy.

more to come when i think my life isn't boring and a waste.

don't move so slow

something bad just happened.
i've been trying to keep it from happening for about a month now.
but i think its finally happened and i don't like it.
i also don't know how to undo it.

i want you so bad

andrea and i just drove all the way to american fork to take crystal some socks at work because hers were wet. then we got there and her socks weren't even wet. so gay.
i wish i had a crush on someone. i've been so upset about not having one lately that i think that if i ever get one soon, it'll be forced and not a good one. kind of like what they said on planet earth last night: "a sudden flush of vegetation is what every desert dweller waits for. and when it happens, they make the most of it." i'll make the most out of any crush i can get. haha.
it wasn't that bad hanging out with ryan all day on saturday. he's a funny kid and i can appreciate that.
i'm making fudge and other cookies and things today. i'm going to send some to jaxon and eat the rest. actually, i'll try to give it all away so that i can have the joy of making it without the side effects of getting fat[ter].
aubrey just got home and i'm on her computer. oh crap.