stir it up

i don't have an incredible jaw line.
or an impeccable nose.
or a teeny tiny waist line.
or gigantic knockers.
or beautiful silky smooth hair.
or cute tan feet.
or long elegant fingers.
or finely toned calves.
or full lips.
or brilliantly white teeth.
or a flat nice stomach.

i'm just stuck with a witch hump nose, forgettable jaw line, thick waist, baby boobs, frizzy hair, pale feet, awkward hands, fat legs, skinny lips, yellow teeth, and quite the stomach.

and somehow looking in the mirror isn't a chore for me.

disclaimer

if you choose to read my blog that means that you are choosing to read not only my normal every day thoughts but the thoughts that the crazy side of my brain has. like the ones that get repeated in my head at top speed until i say them or write them. please don't make me censor myself. if you don't like what you see, you are in no way obligated to continue reading.

hi. how are you?

i started painting my dresser.















can you see it? can you? i'm pretty satisfied.

i started work today as well. this is the first day of my life. actually, if i could pick a day to be the first day of my life, it hasn't happened yet. every option just seems like a bad way to start a life. things are getting better though. i do enjoy waking up and having responsibility. i enjoy knowing i can pay for things myself. and even some days, i wake up and i don't wish i was someone else.

i want to read a book that makes me thiiiink. middlesex is good but it hasn't led me to any new conclusions on life like rant and the bell jar did.

just now i tried to decide which of those two books [which i just recently read] changed my life more [or made me think about it more] and i honestly can't decide.

somehow this turned into a long rant about books when i really just want to write about you. but its better that i don't.

its hard to be happy with things as the way they are when you can imagine how they could be.

i treat you wrong

norfolk you.
norfolk me.
norfolk us all.

at the moment, i'm so glad to be here. i like having a job, a house, some classes, new people to meet and watch, new things to discover, new places to see for the first time ever. like that first time i ever stepped off the plane in utah and seeing those mountains and not believing them. its easy to get so comfortable with places, people, animals, books, music that you no longer recognize the beauty of it. repetition repetition repetition.

i still get lost inside of this city.
i still get lost inside of myself.
think about that. i can find my way around provo utah like a pro and i only lived there for less than two years. i've lived inside this body and these thoughts and fingers and knees for 20 years and i still never know what they will do next. anticipation procrastination position repetition repetition.

i'm going to take a math class and an art history class at tcc. two classes that i know i can do well in for only 6 credits which will hopefully be enough.

ohh man

breathe in. breathe out. deep breaths. concentrate. iiiiiin. ouuuuuut.

l_l
l_l
l_l
l_l
l_l
l_l
l..l

make them understand

i just took a long hot bath and thought about everyone that i know and how much i hate them because i can't seem to talk to anyone about anything. and then i realized that its all basically my fault because i dug this huge hole for myself and didn't tell anyone else and now i have no one to blame but myself if there is no one there with a rope waiting to pull me out. then i jumped out without washing my hair or even shaving because i thought i might actually really do it if i stayed in there one more second.

keep the madness low

i have great, deep, meaninful conversations with myself; where i argue two different positions on some thought and they both are equally convincing.

colorshow

i love my baby sister to death.











































today i ran into a corn field. hah. i'm an awful driver. i was too busy concentrating on getting a moth out of my car so i ran off the right side of the road. then i over corrected (it had just rained) and i spun to the left, i tried to correct myself again and pressed on the gas and ran straight into a corn field on the left side of the road.

okay your turn

if you're going to tell me what i want to hear, make it believable.
convince me.
if you're going through the trouble to lie, do it well.
i deserve more than a halfassed little fib.
if you're trying to take the easy way out, tell the truth.
otherwise, give me a legitimate lie.

yeah... so, uhh

i often think that i am a lot closer to people than i really am. i have a hard time judging how well i really know someone and therefore tend to act the opposite of how i should. when i really know someone, i often act like we are mere acquaintances and when i don't know someone very well, i treat them like we've known each other since kindergarten.

i'm babysitting emma tonight so that desta, laura, and ashley can go to some book release party. i feel trapped because all i want is to go on a drive but i can't because emma's car seat has also gone to the book release party. its only 715 but i'm already ready for her to go to bed. maybe i'll make her run some laps around the house so that she'll be tired.

watching t.v. shows always gives me this false confidence to be able to talk to guys and be really forward about what i want and what i have to say. i get so emboldened watching the script induced confidence the girls in these shows have but then as soon as i turn it off, reality strikes and i know i won't ever have the guts.

pretend love

i have only a few things to say. first, i hate texting because i cannot determine tone of voice or intonation through a text so i just make it up how i want it to be. texting simply opens more opportunities for me to make up my own conversations with people. second, i'm scared to death to move to norfolk. i officially did not get accepted to ODU which means that i will have to work and live which, fine but how will i meet people? i'm so bad at meeting new people because i've never actually had to do it. thrid, i wish i could pause time on this beautiful cloudless morning.