lets pretend we dont exist

please take a look at how much my little sister admires and looks up to me.

hahaha.

but seriously, i want to just eat that child right up so that she'd always be with me. but i guess after i ate her, i couldn't poop for a while. hm, what seemed like such an easy plan is actually flawful.

say yes to everything

does anyone read this anymore?

i quit my job so now i will have more time to blog. maybe. maybe. actually i should probably look for another job rather than blogging but as today is my first official day of unemployment, i will enjoy it and take advantage of it.

some things as of late:

i went home for thanksgiving on wednesday and came back yesterday.
i moved to virginia beach from norfolk.
i have a boyfriend and we like each other.
i'm learning portugese because my boyfriend is brazilian and speaks broken english.
bettina cut my hair recently and its healthy again.
i'm gonna go back to school eventually.
not byu, but school.
i need winter clothes.
i'm watching true life i'm a shopaholic.
i've lost 12 pounds since i've been in the norfolk/va beach area.
i call it the poverty diet.
i've had my blog for about exactly a year.

i'm tired from driving all day yesterday.


zzzz.

hi. how are you?

i started painting my dresser.















can you see it? can you? i'm pretty satisfied.

i started work today as well. this is the first day of my life. actually, if i could pick a day to be the first day of my life, it hasn't happened yet. every option just seems like a bad way to start a life. things are getting better though. i do enjoy waking up and having responsibility. i enjoy knowing i can pay for things myself. and even some days, i wake up and i don't wish i was someone else.

i want to read a book that makes me thiiiink. middlesex is good but it hasn't led me to any new conclusions on life like rant and the bell jar did.

just now i tried to decide which of those two books [which i just recently read] changed my life more [or made me think about it more] and i honestly can't decide.

somehow this turned into a long rant about books when i really just want to write about you. but its better that i don't.

colorshow

i love my baby sister to death.











































today i ran into a corn field. hah. i'm an awful driver. i was too busy concentrating on getting a moth out of my car so i ran off the right side of the road. then i over corrected (it had just rained) and i spun to the left, i tried to correct myself again and pressed on the gas and ran straight into a corn field on the left side of the road.

me vs. me

i disappeared.

i am cleopatra.

i am in love with ashley.

i am swimming.

timing

i got my hairz cut.
short short short.
but not
damaged damaged damaged.
win win win.

rose garden memories

i'm now living with the devereux's. i wonder if ashley still reads my blog now that i live with her. i'm just trying to figure things out and take it easy while i get better. work and play thats all i want. no stress or anything. things are good with my parents right now. i like how it feels not living there.

i also like when people take pictures on my photobooth so i can look at them later and laaaaugh.

oh cooooooooool

the drive down to the beach.
i wish you could see jen a little better because she is OUT.

change is hard. i should know.

i had some bad habits to quit while i was in vegas. andrea helped me.







okay thats a joke but i do like that picture.

it won't be long. yeah!

i'm still awake [32 hours now] and i can't seem to fall asleep.
so its picture time!



















in the bellagio.



















also in the bellagio.



















being a statue.















andrea praying to the indian gods and the catholic gods.















beautiful vegas sky when we left.

there are more but this is already annoying and too much.

sorry.

check out my cool new bruise!

dear sons and daughters

i love the relationship of "best friend." someone that is always there for you, there to cheer you up when you fail a test, there to bad mouth your ex when you get dumped, there to sit on a couch, eat ice cream, and watch lifetime with you when you're lonely. tonight i was my own best friend. i liked that just as much. [i really am embracing being alone and i'm beginning to become a recluse.] i went to macey's and luckily found this delicious ice cream.

toasted coconut sesame brittle.

i think that basically all the best friends i have ever had, minus a few, i have ruined by being TOO much of a best friend and then getting angry when they don't return the gestures. not that they aren't also being my best friend- just that i do so much that they don't even ask for and expect equal if not more in return.

congrats to my two best friends who i haven't managed to hate so far!

chester.

today aubrey's boyfriend found a stray kitty and brought it over to our apartment. he named it chester and we agreed. we're going to put up signs to help it find its real owner but until then, she is living in our bathroom. she loves it there and more importantly, we love her there.

video chat has never been more enjoyable!

they are so cute.

i miss this. a lot.

and maybe like we used to be

I’m becoming a bag lady. And I’m not even bothered by that. In fact, I’m a little relieved. I always wondered what I would become. And now that I know I’m destined to be a bag lady, maybe I’ll be able to sleep at night. This morning, I moved into my bag. It felt good. An extra sweatshirt, a scarf, a notebook, a computer, an iPod, some breakfast, a little snack for before lunch, a wallet, a textbook, AND STILL MORE ROOM! Would someone like to move into my bag with me? I promise I’ll keep my part of the bag clean.

Don't you want to be part of this?!

Today as I walked through the drifting snow, I thought to myself, “I wonder if I look as beautiful in this snow as I feel…” and then I watched the people around me to see if they were as beautiful in the snow as I felt and they were! Every single one of them! So then I thought to myself, “this snow makes me feel as if nothing can go wrong. Like I just drank some Felix Felicis that Harry Potter gave me and everything is going my way.” Then I realized that since I was in this unbreakable wonderful mood, I should call my mom. Perfect right? Not quite. She didn’t answer. I’m going to assume that she wasn’t home and she left her cell phone in her car. That’s completely plausible so I don’t have to do much persuading to convince myself of that. And so still, this mood is incorruptible.

pick it up! pick it up!

andrea has been sick for like 2 or 3 weeks. last night she was throwing up in the sink and i cried. i can't imagine what its like to watch your own child be sick. i can't wait to be a mother. such a pure pure love. beautiful.





a present to everyone that reads my blog!


















my bare feet!

the tears my dear mother shed for me

now that i have photobooth, i will never again use a mirror to fix my hair.

I've said what I'd said and you know what I mean.

i can count the things i've eaten since i've been in provo on one hand. turkey and avocado sandwich, curly fries, soup bowl, taco. that makes me feel a little better about all the binge eating i did in virginia.


yesterday was one of the funnest days of my life. i went snowmobiling and snowboarding up in american fork canyon with mike, mj, nate-o, etc. not only was the snowmobiling really fun, but the scenery was BEAUTIFUL. i got home around 4 and passed out from exhaustion. i need to do more exhausting things every day if its going to make sleep that wonderful.


a little, i wish i could have carefree days like that every day. a little more, i'm so glad for school to start so that i can feel productive and busy. so what if i have 8 am class every morning? at least i'll be getting out of bed at a decent hour.

if i hurt someone else...

today my family had a bonfire in our back woods and we roasted marshmallows. i'm so jealous of jen because i cannot wait until i find someone that i want to share those happy family moments with.
today i was looking at pictures of jaxon and i. i couldn't help it but it made me sick to my stomach. i felt one of those feelings of regret that you feel when you look back at ex-boyfriends and wonder what it was about them that made you so obsessed. i don't want to feel that. i wish he was here so that i could just feel that obsession and not this obsession with replacing him.
















i used to paint. i painted this.