i'm tryin to build a wall.

obsessed. kthnx.

E! True Hollywood Story

tuesday is a very critical day.
i have RLS to the EXTREME.
i love facebook messages [inbox(1)'s.]
i wish i'd never told you because you keep acting like you care.

RRRRRR
LLLLLLL
SSSSSSSS

pony ponypony cont'd.

15. talking to you would probably help me and be pretty therapeutic if i didn't think you were full of shi*. i wish i could believe that you're actually being sincere. it makes it worse that i just can't trust you.



[hehe, does it even count as not cussing if i only leave one letter off?]

strange form of life

so, i have gone back to being a vegetarian. i have been for about 3-4 weeks. [i don't remember exactly, but brunch club probably does.] its not hard at all for me to not eat meat. i don't miss anything except for sometimes steak. but i don't miss chicken or anything like that. also, andrea has been so helpful and she makes me the best food when i'm too tired to get off the couch. today she made tofu stir-fry and it was the exact perfect blend of spicy and delicious. sooo good. thanks ponybear!

this doesn't apply to anyone that reads this.

whispers in my ear. 3 days ago they could have changed the world. now they are just annoying brushes against my skin. retrospect is no compensation for indifference. please don't. please.

sorry.

check out my cool new bruise!

geezuh.

two asian girls are outside of my window jump roping and talking really loudly. its 11:30.

i fixed the camera on my computer. all by myself! i'm a computer and technology genius.

i need a job like i've never needed anything before.

last night i dreamt about a lot of people that i wish would stay out of my dreams. i used to love waking up right after i had dreamt about him. but now, its horrible because i can't even trick myself into thinking i'll ever be friends with him.

i haven't written jaxon for 2 1/2 weeks. i wish i could make up my mind so that i could stop leading him on. i think i have decided- i just don't want to do what i know i should. i keep telling myself that i've changed my mind because that is the easy way out.

i can already tell that today/tonight will be full of many posts. make sure you read all of them. or none of them probably.

todo sobre mi madre

"Well, as I was saying, it costs a lot to be authentic, ma'am. And one can't be stingy with these things because you are more authentic the more you resemble what you've dreamed of being."

-Agrado

late night lists

okay boyfriend, i'm ready to plan my wedding. please meet me now.

springtime should be to share.

in the past week, i have watched 9 movies.

• the crime of padre amaro
• la vie en rose
• proof
• 2 weeks notice
• when in rome
• the testaments
• talk to her
• sound of music
• 27 dresses

do i even have a life any more?
this week, i am anticipating at least 5 more:

• be kind rewind
• all about my mother
• keeping mum
• the importance of being earnest
• whatever movie they show on wednesday at german movie night.

whats your favorite movie?

i make my own decisions, or, i wish you'd leave

here are a few things i hate right NOW:
1. stupid blogs about me- seriously cut it out. i read it even though you think i don't. if you want to say something to me, SAY IT. this is probably really hypocritical because i'm not saying this to you.
2. my bank account balance. how the HELL do i overdraw so much?
3. well now i can't think about anything but how much money i need.

brandon doesn't appreciate how clever i am.

trendy indie rad fad followers.

looks just like the sun

today i quit my job because someone hung up on me in the middle of my sentence. also, i was tired of feeling trapped and that was the only thing i could think of that i could control. so that means:
a. i'm once again unemployed
b. saturday brunch club is BACK ON!
c. more nap time. thank goodness.
i also talked to dad today and just told him why i was panicking. he said carlos would make it so i don't have to worry. then we started talking about how some days are just too hard for me and he tried to make me feel better by telling me that i'm not the only one that feels like that and that if i read my scriptures and not give in so easily to those "temptations" [to just stay in bed or not leave the house] then i'll be fine. then i told him that he was making me feel like a bad member of the church and that that shut him up quick. he told me to get a boyfriend and i'd feel better. i told him no boy wants to date a psycho girl. and he said, "well you can just pretend you're normal until he marries you and then you let him know you're psycho." HAHA. i think he might have been referring to mom.

shut UP!

blah blah blah.
i'd rather die than go home this summer. i don't think anyone really realizes how much it messes me up. i really don't think i could handle it. i don't know how to tell my dad without offending him. just thinking about going home makes me all panicky feeling.

on a better note, i got off work today. tried to sell my plasma, but my veins were too small. then i went and sold a bunch of clothes at plato's closet [gotta make money some way.] then andrea and i hung out with josh. tuesday sushi, and then home.

arcs.

i just realized that i have all these plans for this summer and NO WHERE TO LIVE. i could easily live here in windsor for the summer as well, but i really want to live in a house. i guess i should begin looking for a place to live but i'm not even sure where to start. also, i wish aubrey, amanda, or andrea would live with me. but aubrey will be in vienna, andrea will be in windsor, and amanda is married. okok. if anyone has any advice on how i can find some housing, PLEASE tell me.

thank goodness

andrea comes home to me tomorrow.



that video is circa 01/10/08

pony ponypony

brandon did this once and i've wanted to ever since.

1. i pretend not to like you so you won't feel bad. it kills me every time you talk about another girl.
2. when you get like this, all i want to do is act the same way. but i can't help trying to make it better.
3. sorry to you because all you wanted to do was help but i just don't think that friends can be therapists and vice versa.
4. you're my best friend and of course the mean ones aren't about you!
5. i talk about you behind your back and make fun of you. i really do love you though and i'm sorry. you're just an easy target.
6. i think you say i'm fat behind my back. sometimes when you aren't with me, i can almost hear you saying the words i imagine you say about me.
7. you're really cool and i'm glad we are friends now because it used to make me so mad that we weren't before.
8. i hate that you act like my best friend and then blog about me because you think i don't know.
9. i love you more than i've ever loved anyone.
10. i wish we could be best friends again. can we?
11. i know you read my blog every day- i just wish i knew who you were.
12. i'm scared for these changes in your life because i don't think you'll ever be the same. i've already pushed you away once and let you back. but i'm afraid i'm pushing you away again.
13. i wish i could live without you in my life. i wish i could write you off and never have to see or hear from you again.
14. you don't even know me but i am OBsessed with you. i keep trying to devise a way to meet you in person.

100! what should we do?

say THIS 15 times fast.

i love my work because i give old people conversation.
i hate my work because i sit on a phone all day and get rejected 6/10 times.
i love my work because it keeps me occupied and busy.
i hate my work because the phone hurts my ear.
i love my work because there is a hot secret crush boy.
i hate my work because there is a guy that no matter where he sits, i can hear his annnoying voice.

all the way

i just ransacked my ENTIRE apartment looking for my german book. it is GONE.

i'm watching deal or no deal and i'm getting so anxious and i want him to just take the money. that is a HUGE amount of money! he's gonna lose all of it!

wait just a minute!

i love when random noises or smells or even feelings bring back strong vivid memories. today as i was driving to work, i held my left hand outside the window till it was freezing cold and held my right hand in front of the heater inside the car. then, at the stop light, i held them both together, cold hand covering hot hand, and i was overwhelmed by memories of mexico. that one night that we were at the beach and we held some parrots. i don't remember much about that night, just the parrots, and that's what i remembered. a strange thing to be reminded of by that random feeling.

we gave chester away today. i haven't cried yet but i've been close several times. i really will miss that cat.

i'm glad for all my teachers being so helpful about my attendance and make up work. thank goodness for gem teachers.

having ashleigh here has actually made me realize how much i love and miss jaxon. i guess because of all the memories we've been talking about and all the things she has told me that i didn't ever know. like how he would talk about me to his friends. or how sam would always ask him how "things with trish" were. or how he told ashleigh she wasn't allowed to meet me if she called me breezy. yeah, i miss him.

dear sons and daughters

i love the relationship of "best friend." someone that is always there for you, there to cheer you up when you fail a test, there to bad mouth your ex when you get dumped, there to sit on a couch, eat ice cream, and watch lifetime with you when you're lonely. tonight i was my own best friend. i liked that just as much. [i really am embracing being alone and i'm beginning to become a recluse.] i went to macey's and luckily found this delicious ice cream.

toasted coconut sesame brittle.

i think that basically all the best friends i have ever had, minus a few, i have ruined by being TOO much of a best friend and then getting angry when they don't return the gestures. not that they aren't also being my best friend- just that i do so much that they don't even ask for and expect equal if not more in return.

congrats to my two best friends who i haven't managed to hate so far!

what the hell are you doing here

aubrey and i went to see a german movie yesterday. i liked not really knowing what was going on and just trying to figure it out and laugh along with everyone else.

sleeping is the hardest part of my days. hopefully now that i have a job i will be more tired and i'll be able to sleep faster at night.

i have severe amnesia today. i sat down to write andrea an email and i couldn't remember a single thing that i wanted to tell her. and now, i wanted to blog but i can't remember a single thing that i wanted to blog about.

pony face

upd-upd-update remix!

so i keep dreaming about dream boy. AND i met dream girl IRL [in real life.] it was awkward because i felt a strange bond between us existed which did not. and because of that i probably imagined a lot of things as more than they were. she is my class librarian for a research paper we are doing. so i was most likely making more of nothing when she singled me out before class and talked my paper idea over with me.

i went grocery shopping by myself today. i liked that. next, i'm going to go out to eat by myself. then, i'm going to go to a show by myself. i'm beginning to embrace this idea of doing stuff alone.

so i've got a new phone and a new job and a new outlook on life. i feel good.

//edit: i'm mad at everyone that didn't play along with that game even though i KNOW you be readin my blog. boo.

please play!

1. whats your name?
2. how did we meet?
3. whats your favorite movie?

don't be shy!

p.s. if we haven't met, how would you LIKE to meet me?

broken and torn

the other night, i had a dream about two people that i do not know. a boy and a girl. i have only seen them in pictures of people i hardly know. it was dark outside and i was leaving the library. outside of the library was a hill much like the types of hills you sit on to watch fireworks. in fact, there were tons of people out there sitting on blankets and talking. it was dark outside so maybe they were stargazing. i knew i was supposed to be looking for someone but i got distracted by these two people i don't know but have seen in pictures. in my dream, we had the same relationship that we have in real life: i have seen them in pictures and they probably don't know i exist. but i saw them as i was looking for someone and all i wanted was for them to talk to me. i remember changing my facial expression and my walk in order to attract him to me. i wasn't so much worried about her; somehow in my dream, i was very confident that she would want to talk to me but i was not so confident about him. i walked by once and he watched me but she was distracted. i pretended to have dropped something and i turned around and he called out to me and handed me a book. i thanked him for the book and he asked me my name. she told me to sit down and we were instant friends. they were both a lot older than me. probably in real life as well as in the dream. i felt as though they were my parents or my older siblings. except for the fact that i wanted him to hold my hand. he put his arm around me and we lied there waiting for the show in the sky, or the stars, or whatever we were there for.

i forgot about that dream until just now when i saw a picture of both of them again. and all those feelings i had for both of them in my dream came rushing back. i feel like she is my much older sister, maybe even a mother figure for me. and he... well i just have this huge dream induced crush on him. so weird.