book of lost things

i'm going to start keeping a book of things i lose every day. and another book of things that i find everyday. i hope i find more things than i lose. actually, i hope they are equal so that i will always have the same amount of "things" in my life. i hope i only find friends and never lose them. i hope i only lose insecurities and never find them. also i hope i find chapstick. i used to find tubes of chapstick all the time.

choose easy

this makes me so sick:

" wopwoman (2 hours ago) Show Hide

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Wish he showed as much sympathy towards blacks, mexicans, and other
people he has ranted about. Instead he picks a racist cultist to cry over.
Good Lord. Give me a break! Doesn't the bible warn us of false prophets
like Hinckley?

LOL. I'm pretty sure preaching racism, magic underwear and inheriting a planet would fall into the category of a false prophet."

it was a response to a clip on youtube of glen beck paying tribute to president hinckley. i just don't understand people like that. why can't they be respectful of our religion and our beliefs? i don't care if you believe it or not. i do. and all i ask is that you respect me for that.

campaignforrealbeauty.com

thank you aubrey.

plastic bags

if i had to diagnose myself by the papers i just filled out for my therapist, i would say all my problems are due to my unfulfilling sex life. if i could just get some, i'd be fine!

haunting. persisting. recurring.

the arcade fire presents an interactive promo clip.







check it out.

there can only be one winner

do what you love.

love what you do.

what do you love?

you love do what?

do you love what?

the magical amount

i really want to go on a mission. i've been thinking about it a lot lately. and every time i tell people about it, i get really really excited feeling. i wish i could go right now though. like right now. turn in my papers and go. unfortunately i have a whole year+ before i can even put my papers in. daaaaang.
i never want to hang out with another boy in my life. sorry boys, you can just date each other. leave me out. well... until he texts me and wants to do something. then i'll melt like butter and fold like a cheap tent, like a napkin, like a t-shirt, like a bad hand in poker, like a piece of paper, like something that folds really easily. i wish i wasn't such a sucker for him and his stupid games. there's nothing i hate more than games. except for maybe that show Everybody Loves Raymond. i really dislike that show.

how about some credit now?

i realize now that my relationship with my mother is ninety-nine percent more important to me than anything else going on. nothing hurts me more than when she isn't talking to me or when she is being mean to me. i'm glad that i'm able to let it affect me less while i'm out here. please don't make me go back. i don't see how i will possibly handle going back. i can't go back dad. please please. please. but no. not even my dreams can lie about whats going to inevitably happen to us. oh God mom. stop stop stop stop stop stop stop. i cant stop, you won't stop. this won't stop. make it stop stop.

but no matter what i say, don't leave me. don't give up on me. i haven't given up on you.

this blows my mind.

husband, can we paint our floor like this?

it can all just go away like...

a million different emotions for one day:

waking up and just being blah. like at that point my mood could have gone either way. not necessarily good mood. not necessarily bad mood.

then i call my mother and she ignores it and makes my dad call me back. bam. bad mood. just like that.

then i go to mike's and get my netflix and camera and be a biotch to him. still bad mood.

then i go to starbucks and have a strange encounter with an old[ish] man. i was standing in line and he walked up and stood really really close to me. so then i moved away because he was so close. and then he was like "oh, i'm sorry little miss. i didn't mean to make you uncomfortable." so then i was just like, "oh thats okay." and then as i'm waiting for my order and he is leaving, he walks really close again and says "oh sorry, excuse me princess." that made me feel really weird and vulnerable and young.

then i went grocery shopping by myself. what a cool new experience! i've never been by myself. i felt so grown up and for some reason, married. i stood in line between to older women with children and i felt just like them. kind of like, ohh i should buy those cookies for my kids school lunches. i can't wait till that day. good mood now.

hopefully it will stick around for a while but... since its only 2:30 in the afternoon, i foresee many mood changes before this day is over.

how close is too close?

i wish you would either tell me who you are or stop commenting.
you're stressing me out.


i just chewed a toothpick into splinters. now i have splinters in my mouth. my fortune cookie told me today that i should, "be quicker of mind than of tongue." that means i should think before i make out with boys. mike gave me an 8.8 for that joke. hell yeah.

my fortune cookie yesterday told me "a long time admirer thinks highly of you." well guess what long time admirer... i don't care about you. i've become surprisingly okay with my previously dreaded love life or lack thereof. needless to say, i'm really happy where i am and with who i'm with. he makes me happy and i think i make him happy and thats all i need.

keep coming back.

"If you have 13 letters in your name, you will have the devil's luck . Jack the Ripper, Charles Manson, Jeffrey Dahmer, Theodore Bundy and Albert De Salvo all have 13 letters in their names."

P-A-T-R-I-C-I-A-E-V-A-N-S. crap. 13.

the beginning stages.

i've had to pee for about 3 hours but i'm trying to prove that my mind is stronger than my bladder. once i prove this, i will move on to proving that my mind is stronger than my stomach. a much harder feat.

22 years ago.

i need a job. probably more than i ever have before.

i'm watching an old episode of friends and monica [26] just had sex with a 17 year old. and she just dropped the L bomb on him. whaaaaaat? crazy. sometimes i want to be 26 and single so that i can live that kind of life with all your friends and your job and an apartment and plenty of drama and date craze still. and then other times, i just can't WAIT to find that person that i want to marry and spend every day with them and just some days with my other friends.

also, the friends lifestyle would probably not work for me since i don't actually date boys. i've realized that i've never actually "dated" any of my boyfriends before they were my boyfriend. why don't boys take me on dates? maybe a little cause i don't let them. but if the right boy asked me, hell yeah i'd let him!

me: i think im sicky
eboyf: awwww
me: i have a fever
me: come make me soup and make me feel better
eboyf: i would if youy lived closer
eboyf: id tuck you in at night
eboyf: and read you bedtime stories and sing you songs

my eboyf sucks because i don't actually know him. i'm gonna stop talking to him so i can stop wishing that that kind of boy actually exists.





this game is fun and has consumed all of my time this weekend.

oh well.

ONCE ONCE. 11. ONCE. ONCE. ONCE.

last night i had a nightmare. i made andrea take all the nyquil i just bought away from me. its no good and i have no reason to take it. its not even like i can't sleep because i don't even give myself a chance to try before chugging.

all i can think of is the beautiful home made video of happy times in love. i want to be in love and i want to video tape it.

ONCE. 11.

but definitely not anytime soon.

so i called and left a message for MOM to call me. an hour later, DAD calls and says,
"MOM said you called and wanted to talk to ME."
okay mom, thats fine. you got your victory without having to actually talk to me.
mom: 1 trisha: 0

and maybe like we used to be

I’m becoming a bag lady. And I’m not even bothered by that. In fact, I’m a little relieved. I always wondered what I would become. And now that I know I’m destined to be a bag lady, maybe I’ll be able to sleep at night. This morning, I moved into my bag. It felt good. An extra sweatshirt, a scarf, a notebook, a computer, an iPod, some breakfast, a little snack for before lunch, a wallet, a textbook, AND STILL MORE ROOM! Would someone like to move into my bag with me? I promise I’ll keep my part of the bag clean.

Don't you want to be part of this?!

Today as I walked through the drifting snow, I thought to myself, “I wonder if I look as beautiful in this snow as I feel…” and then I watched the people around me to see if they were as beautiful in the snow as I felt and they were! Every single one of them! So then I thought to myself, “this snow makes me feel as if nothing can go wrong. Like I just drank some Felix Felicis that Harry Potter gave me and everything is going my way.” Then I realized that since I was in this unbreakable wonderful mood, I should call my mom. Perfect right? Not quite. She didn’t answer. I’m going to assume that she wasn’t home and she left her cell phone in her car. That’s completely plausible so I don’t have to do much persuading to convince myself of that. And so still, this mood is incorruptible.

dream about me.

once, there was this boy with perfect feet. i loved them. i would sneak peaks at them whenever i could. strange because all feet make me feel sick and queasy. but these feet made me feel happy and childlike. one time we watched a movie together and he had his feet propped up on the desk in front of us. i watched his feet the whole time. after the movie was over, he asked me if i liked it. i said i loved it. i was talking about his feet. i never loved that boy. just his feet. try as i might, i couldn't love anything but his feet. we are still good friends. i haven't thought about his feet in so long. even now, sitting here writing about his feet, i feel a little queasy because i can't quite remember what they look like. but i know that they do not make me feel sick when i see them in real life. so strange.

uppity up down.

i have too many blog friends whose names start with 'A.' weird, huh?

i'm in a bad mood and just annoyed because. . . . . . . . . why don't you want to hang out with me?!?

HAHAHAHAHHA.

no more. no more. please. no more.

i didn't ask you her name. because i knew the tone that your voice would take. i knew the smile that would curl around the letters of her name. i knew the sparkle that would light up your eyes as you heard yourself say her name. i knew the way your fingers would tappity tap on your leg because of the excitement her name makes you feel. i knew the way your foot would subconsciously beat out the syllables of her name.
you sang that song and waited. waited. waited for me to ask. i couldn't bring myself to give you that pleasure.

"that was beautiful."

your crestfallen face and motionless limbs affirmed my suspicions that it would not have been my name.
and my compliment could never be enough.

this is meaningless and full of bad grammar.

i wish i could talk. really talk. where is the half of me that allows me to speak? i don't feel like i have a single friend that i can honestly divulge every part of my thoughts to. who would listen anyways? why won't anyone listen? i can think of a million people that i would love to just vent to. but i don't want to burden them with that.

pound pound. slam. down up over down.

i wish there were no emotion. i wish i was a blank piece of paper. don't bother trying to read me because i'm as simple as i look. no surprise.

i can't even listen to anything without thinking of you. and "you" are not who everyone reading this will likely assume at first. hell, i don't even want you to be "you." if i had to choose one person to haunt my waking [and even dreaming] thoughts, you would be my last choice.

why am i so confident? even with you so far away from me. this distance that you create will not dissuade my overconfidence. nothing can. but i'm trying. hard as i can. to dissuade myself. we'll work on this together. team effort.

we do work so well as a team.

okay. okay. i see where you're going with this...

i just spent an hour playing the lemonade stand game.



"Lemonade Stand Game teaches basic math and business skills. Kids love making a big profit selling lemonade!"






me too! me too!

now if you'd unbuckle sir...

we can finally go on that long long walk that i've been dreading and anticipating all at once. the walk and talk that i dream of each night only to awake in a cold sweat. scared to death of what i could and will potentially ruin.

my daydreams are full of visions of my sinking dreams and the blurry outline of impending realities.

the dreams strongly resemble the titanic. the drowning passengers, simply every person i have ever disappointed. many of the drowning passengers are my parents. dying a new death for each time i trick them into believing in me.

the realities, a replication of figures in long black capes emerging through the fog to accompany the scared young girl to the gallows.

pick it up! pick it up!

andrea has been sick for like 2 or 3 weeks. last night she was throwing up in the sink and i cried. i can't imagine what its like to watch your own child be sick. i can't wait to be a mother. such a pure pure love. beautiful.





a present to everyone that reads my blog!


















my bare feet!

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 666

what do anonymous comments and funny funny aubrey have in common?

they both make me want to break things.

i'm a jailbird to your music.

You Are An INFP

The Idealist You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world. Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships. It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close. But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop. In love, you tend to have high (and often unrealistic) standards. You are very sensitive. You tend to have intense feelings. At work, you need to do something that expresses your personal values. You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist. How you see yourself: Unselfish, empathetic, and spiritual When other people don't get you, they see you as: Unrealistic, naive, and weak

What's Your Personality Type?

Trisha in 100 words or less.

I know what I want in life but can I ever have it? I have so many dreams, but I often worry that I’m being naïve in believing that they can really come true. Am I simply basing my life off of 10-year-old dreams that aren’t in the least bit realistic? I am a dreamer as well as being very proactive. When I want something, I go after it wholeheartedly until I either have it or I no longer want it.

que he hecho yo para merecer esto?

from now on, when i write a post, i'm just going to post it. i'm going to stop erasing half or all of the post. from now on, my blog will be my thoughts, pure and raw as they come.

what if its all a lie?

i hate myself for being able to read so deeply into a very simple and shallow relationship. i'm trying to create this super complex relationship out of something that, deep down, i know is just as simple as it appears to everyone else.

everything we say to each other is some sort of code that only i know exists. and only i know how to break it. and of course the way to break it is to turn every sentence, every word, even every glance, into a

secret confession of love.

i do this all the time. only once has it worked out the way i wanted it to.

and even then, the relationship was purely romanticized in my mind as something much more than it really was. and i was left to pick up the shattered remains of my broken heart when i realized what i had done.

i don't want to do that again. not anymore. i don't care if even half the stuff i imagine is true.

i need to stop myself before its too late.
i need to allow whatever will happen to happen.
i need to stop trying to rush things.
i need to stop making something out of nothing.
i need to.

el orfanato

un cuento de amor. una historia de terror.

the tears my dear mother shed for me

now that i have photobooth, i will never again use a mirror to fix my hair.

i don't see what anyone can see in anyone else, but you.

i just fell in love with the idea of falling in love.

if i could find a boy to play the role of boy in my made up love story, my life would be complete.

every time i think of you

this semester is going to be so much better. i've already decided.
german: every day 8-850
new testament: mw 9-950
american studies: mwf 10-1050
honors 150: mwf 11-1150
poli sci: w 410-5
i'm actually going to be a really good student. for honors 150, i have to write a 100 word paper about myself. i don't know how to explain myself at all. let alone in less than 100 words.

i really like my life right now. i like where i am, i like who my friends are. one thing i would change if i could is my inconsistency. i think i change my personality too often depending on who i'm with. not that that's always a bad thing but i'd like to be a little more consistent.

I've said what I'd said and you know what I mean.

i can count the things i've eaten since i've been in provo on one hand. turkey and avocado sandwich, curly fries, soup bowl, taco. that makes me feel a little better about all the binge eating i did in virginia.


yesterday was one of the funnest days of my life. i went snowmobiling and snowboarding up in american fork canyon with mike, mj, nate-o, etc. not only was the snowmobiling really fun, but the scenery was BEAUTIFUL. i got home around 4 and passed out from exhaustion. i need to do more exhausting things every day if its going to make sleep that wonderful.


a little, i wish i could have carefree days like that every day. a little more, i'm so glad for school to start so that i can feel productive and busy. so what if i have 8 am class every morning? at least i'll be getting out of bed at a decent hour.

... cont'd

i just threw out every letter i could find from jaxon.
it seemed like a good idea but i didn't know why.
aubrey said it was so i made sure i wasn't injudiciously clinging to the past.

why can my baby sister say aubrey but not trisha?

My mom’s heart is failing.

I just finished watching live free or die hard. Sometimes all you need is a good action movie.

Blood!

Guns!

Explosions!

Car crashes!

There was one part that actually made me cry. Bizarre huh. A truck hit something and the driver’s head hit the windshield and it broke into a spider web design. And then I remembered that I did that to my little sister. The tears flowed. Shamelessly. So what if I’m sitting on an airplane watching Bruce Willis kick ass? I felt like crying.

A week and a half. Lasted longer than I ever imagined. But once it started, I must admit I got wrapped up in it and honestly thought it would last. ‘the beginning of a great thing.’ Maybe next time we can both be a little more mature. I can’t help but blame myself for part of it although I can’t see that I did anything wrong.

She hugged me before I left. I guarantee she’ll call sometime and act as if nothing happened. Why does she do that to me? False hopes and false dreams. Last night I dreamt that she didn’t go to my wedding. I kept walking around at the reception looking for her and every time I thought I saw her back, I would go tap her on the shoulder and it would just be my dad. And he would tell me, “she really does love you.”

Nyquil: No dreams.

Benadryl: Peaceful dreams.

Sleeping pills: Nightmares.

Nothing: No sleep.