radically different

i feel like i just cried for 10 hours. you know, that sad worn out heavy heart feeling.

today is the most niceyest nice day ever. and you can hear it in my voice.

i'm semi excited for ashleigh to come. i think it'll be fun but it will be tiring... a lot of acting and pretending. bummerville.

life is better with you

my sister is having a baby boy!
i hope its this one:














or this one: [they come in boxes right?]


















or i would also be happy with this:

i will hang my head low

i hate being in the library because it severely inhibits my ability to stalk people. you never know who's gonna walk by and see who you are stalking. maybe even the person you are stalking will walk by.
this is maybe good for me because sometimes, after extensive stalking, i find things i wish i hadn't.
i'm going to stop stalking. this will be hard.
my goals for march: stop stalking and lose 10 lbs.

books written for girls

once, i complained that i had too many blog friends with names that begin with A. now B is getting right on up there. c'mon! where are all the C's?

what about M's?!

or even J's?!

its all nice on ice

i hate that i have no best friend when i need one the most. when i need to spill and cry and complain and have my best friend encourage me and tell me that i'm worth more than that. everyone's too busy or too far away or too much of the actual problem.

g.d.

love me back

all-nighter! yeah!
this is what happens when i do NOTHING all weekend.
brandon better be ready for a break in an hour.
i'm ready now but i should maybe DO some work before i take a break.
eh, what the hell.

in other news!

i went to a hardcore show with mike and phil last night. i told them that the crowd would all be a bunch of 12 year old hot topic kids and then we laughed about that. and they said that those kids were all my friends and we laughed [cause jokes about how young i am never get old.] and then we got there and i was right about the hot topic kids. and i laughed a lot during the show because it was funny and reminded me of high school. [not hard since that was like last year, HAHA. still funny.] the bled played and they were way good but they didn't play gemini and that sucked. and then from first to last played and i almost typed their name from first to laugh and that would be correct. it was a laugh. horrible. they played both the songs i knew but i didn't know them without sonny singing. then every time i die played and while i have heard their stuff, i only knew like one song and they played it and it was good and their whole set was really good.

i told andrea that today was the crappiest day of my life but i think it has gotten better since.

i really like mirah right now. a lot.

10 simple ways to get over you:

i started to write this list of really bitter ways to get over him. but then i realized that i'm not bitter and those ways aren't going to help me. i guess i'm really just not all that worried about getting over him. i still really like him, so whats the point of trying to make myself hate him just because he doesn't like me too. right? RIGHT?
so i'll just keep being his friend and it'll sizzle out eventually.
one thing i DO have to stop is dropping any and everything for him. no more of that!

love is not a victory march

hallelujah!

i no longer care about anything.

an intense feeling of peace just washed over me.

i don't necessarily think its a good kind of peace though... more like the kind where i just don't care if i'm in debt. i just don't care if i fail out of school. i just don't care if i'm going crazy.

i just don't care.

hallelujah!

we have the past to remind us of love chivalrous and grand

last week, i left my grandpa at the provo cemetery. i went to go get him back today but with all the snow, i couldn't see him. i was just going to leave but then i saw an office. i went in there and asked if there was an easy way to find my grandfather. they gave me a map.

i finally found him.

he didn't want to come back with me though. [he said he was comfortable in his mound of dirt.] i hadn't really been expecting him to. i just wanted to tell him thank you. i didn't take anything to give him so i tried to give him the map. he told me to keep it in case i got lost the next time i wanted to visit him. i thanked him profusely.

i cried all along center street as i drove home. windows down. music up. tears unsuppressed.

heaven knows that i'm miserable

sometimes i get so mad and so upset that i just want to break something or punch someone. and then other times, i feel so happy and so excited about life, that i feel the same way. the same kind of desire to
crush.
smash.
crunch.
slam.
bang.
snap.
pop.
how can those two completely different emotions evoke the same exact desire?

today was another boohoobaby day. church gave me an anxiety attack. for some reason, the boy talking in sacrament was talking about school goals and being prepared for tests and im sure there was a deeper analogical [is that a word?!] meaning, but all i could think about was:

that i'm failing all of my classes. i can't seem to make myself wake up and get out of bed and GO to class. why am i even IN college? i don't know what i want to do with my life. i can't even get myself out of bed until the sun comes up. WHY?

hopefully you can see where the anxiety attack came from. i went to the bathroom and threw up. twice. i sat in the bathroom for 10 minutes after that but the sicky sicky stomach feeling wouldn't go away.

then this little girl and her mother came in. i was sitting in the mothers lounge part with my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands. the girl whispered "mom look what i found. whats wrong with her?" "just leave her alone, okay?" "she's dead. i know she is." how morbid is that? but maybe i was dead.

what if i had been. one handful of pills and i just passed out right there. goodbye baby. too bad you couldn't handle sacrament meeting.

sing me to sleep. sing me to sleep. and then leave me alone. don't try to wake me in the morning. because i will be gone. don't feel bad for me. i want you to know. deep in the cells of my heart, i will be glad to go.

gather to the chapel

i love that music changes my moods and emotions so drastically. i'm working on a mixx for andrea right now. for me, the best part of making mixxes is that i get to have it after i share it with that other person. and then, forever after, that music will tie us together. whether they liked it or not.
someday, i will make a mixx for this blog. it will be sexy sexy and just for you [reader.]
i cried a bunch today. most of the time, it felt good. two times that i shall share with you:
1. andrea sent me this GREAT quote that her mom gave her from Elder Holland. in answer to the question "how can i truly get to know my Savior Jesus Christ?": "Of course there are all the ways that we already know: praying, studying the scriptures, etc. But the best way to really know our Savior Jesus Christ is by our Suffering. We need to embrace those great moments of suffering because that is when we truly get to know Him. Often we would say to Heavenly Father: 'Let this cup pass from me', however, this cup does not pass from us and we must drink it but this is the time we will come to know the Savior more than any other time of our life. God loves a broken heart maybemore than anything else in this world. When it is hard and there is sorrow that is your Gethsemane. We are all willing to pray and read the scriptures but we are not all willing to suffer of to let our loved ones suffer. But we must go through all that to understand and to really know our Savior, we become more compassionate and then we are more inclined to help other because we know how they feel." this hit me so hard because i realized that no matter how crappy i feel or what i'm going through it's all part of life and will help me be closer to Christ.
2. i told mike that andrea was going to come back a week from monday and he said "you really do love her." why was that so cute and so tender and so heart wrenching? i'm not sure but i AM sure that it just hit me that, yeah. i do. i think it made me realize that i really love so many people in my life and it made me feel bad for ever thinking that i have no reason to be here or for thinking that i have no reason to be happy.

i think i saw justin bobby in smith's today. whoever he was, he was probably terrified of me because i squintstared at him for about 10 minutes while i stood in line to return a redbox movie. ah well.

i love you to jesus and back.

chester keeps sitting on my keyboard or trying to walk across it. she's so cute and i love her to death. i never want to go anywhere now because that means i won't get to spend time with her. chester, plz b mah boiifren.

today, i played the "how long can i close my eyes while driving" game. i got to 15 seconds and i was really proud. and then, 5 minutes later, i realized that while i had been focusing so hard on that game, i managed to miss my turn and was now lost somewhere in orem. lucky for me, everything is on the grid system and i got myself back safely.

for bonnie: i finished 2 of the 3 books. working on 2 more of the 6.

srsly. srsly srsrsrsrsllllyyyy.

more to come when i think my life isn't boring and a waste.

chester.

today aubrey's boyfriend found a stray kitty and brought it over to our apartment. he named it chester and we agreed. we're going to put up signs to help it find its real owner but until then, she is living in our bathroom. she loves it there and more importantly, we love her there.

feed your sheep a burning lamp

today, taylor inspired me to clean my room. in doing so, i found 6 books that i have begun to read but have not finished. my goal for the day is to finish 3 of the 6. i have finished 1 of the 3 so far.

and then it was the most beautiful day of my life and i went and ran some errands with aubsbobs and i sat in the front seat and put my feet out the window and became as comfortable as possible to enjoy that wonderful air. i went and applied at kneaders [hopefully that works out because i NEED a job.] then i went and returned a bra at victoria's secret because it was too big. [story of my life.] then i bought some cute best friend charms with aubrey at claire's in the mall.

overall, a productive day so far.

p.s.

thinking about outliving the love of my life makes me die inside. i mean, breakups kill me as it is. even trying to imagine living without that love once i find it makes me curl up in a little ball and sob myself to sleep.

here we go.

i've been learning how

to make really long and boring blogs that no one in their right mind should read.

DAD:
today, my great uncle kent was talking to jen about her husband. and then dad said, "oh yeah trish where's your husband? on a mission!"
two things:
1. please stop making me feel like an old maid dad. i'm 19. i don't need to have a husband yet.
2. please stop acting like i am already married to jaxon or even acting like i'm GOING to marry jaxon.
MOM:
today after dinner she was like, "trisha, did someone hurt you? you seem so mad at the world and cynical these days."
two things:
1. i am not cynical! (?)
2. if i am, then yes. you hurt me. can you really not see that ?


maybe i am cynical. i can think of about a million things to complain about and yell about and cuss about and yet... i can only think of one really: nothing goes my way.
i'm so spoiled and rotten and i'm trying so hard right now to count my blessings and all that but its so hard when all i want is out of this rotten spoiled mess.

this kind of crying is my favorite kind. where the tears just stream endlessly out of your eyes and trickle down your cheeks; tickling your nose and salting your mouth. there are no heaving sobs involved with this kind of sorrow. its the most peaceful anguish possible.

grandpa didn't want the military funeral everyone said. and then when the man being buried closest to grandpa received the gun shots everyone laughed and said, "how ironic!" and then the bugle started playing and grandma softly exclaimed "its a miracle!" and those peaceful flowing tears began from my eyes. standing in the mud in the beautiful february weather and listening to the miracle of that hauntingly eloquent melody, i have never felt more at peace.

i loved today when grandma came up to me and said "we have the same name!" and i said "yeah! we do!" and she grabbed me in a hug and laughed.

today felt like sunday. and then like saturday. but never like monday. which will make tuesday pretty hard.

river so deep.

i don't think i'll be able to sleep tonight.

and by that i mean i don't want to.

i started to go to sleep just now and had the beginnings of two horrible dreams:

1. maybe you should go home. i don't feel like putting the whole dream here but there is part of it. the important part that killed me.

2. i was going to grandpa's funeral. only it was in richmond where grandpa weber's funeral was. so i get there and andrea is there and she's crying really hard and i think, wow i didn't know andrea knew grandpa so well. so then i go and hug her and i look around and there is emily watkins, and ashley devereux, and joe roberts, and matt hoyt, and i'm walking around looking for my family because i still haven't seen one family member. just high school friends. so then, i'm walking through this graveyard and i see bob kneeling by a headstone and crying. and i walk up to him and put my hand on his shoulder and then i know: the funeral was for jen. not grandpa. jen please don't die. that was a traumatizing dream.

your skin makes me cry

today, i can't seem to get enough of radiohead. its like the last sip of a canned drink and you can hear it swishing around in there but no matter how you tip the can, you can't get that last sip. frustrating. and it makes you so much more thirsty to know that you can't have it. you don't even need it maybe. but the second you know its there and will never be running down your throat, you need it more than you ever needed anything in your life. i feel that way today. but about radiohead.

yesterday, i couldn't get enough of jonathon richman and the modern lovers' hospital. i listened to that song 113 times yesterday. in just one day, i doubled the playcount on that baby song. something about the way he speeds up when he says "i can't stand what you do/ sometimes i can't stand you/ it makes me think about me/ that i'm involved with you." or the way he admits that although he can't stand her, he needs her because he is in love with her eyes and he knows that without those eyes and without that look, he can't live.

friday, i didn't know what i wanted but nothing i had was right. i think now that had i listened to the band, i would have found what i was looking for. but who knows. maybe i would have turned on the band and just shrugged it aside just like i shrugged aside every other song i listened to. iron and wine. shrug. modest mouse. shruuuuug. bloc party. double shrug. sonic youth. lazy slow shrug. animal collective. shrugshrugshruggityshrug.

how weird is that word shrug.

video chat has never been more enjoyable!

they are so cute.

writing class narration

sunday dress boy's voice gets louder and louder the more he wants to prove his point. he's yelling at the class right now. yelling how artists can't just say there is a meaning unless there is some evidence of it. bullshit. i'll paint whatever i want and say it means whatever i feel it means. if i paint a tree and say it represents my mother, it sure as hell represents my mother. whether YOU see it or not.

i feel bad for red head ben. he fell asleep and was drawn on. i wouldn't feel as bad if his face hadn't turned bright red and his hand never left his face. arcs. now he sits there and tries to rub off the sharpie half-mustache, and the teacher talks about him as if he weren't there listening. "i've always told everyone not to fall asleep in class. thats what he gets for falling asleep."

10 Confessions:

1. i get mad when people don't text me back immediately. what's more important than me? i know. i know.
2. i hate when boys like me and i don't like them back. i almost feel obligated to like them since they like me.
3. i love when no one is home at my house because then i can have shameless dance parties in my room with my lights off.
4. i haven't kissed anyone for 5 months. drought.
5. i have a really big crush on this one boy but i would gladly get over it if i thought i had a chance with this other boy.
6. i check my facebook insanely often.
7. i eat way too much junk food. i think that i'm fat but all i know how to do is eat away my feelings. so i just get fatter.
8. sometimes i wish i was good enough for my mom. but i ALWAYS wish i was good enough for myself.
9. i like not wearing a shirt because i like feeling my long hair swishing across my back.
10. i think that having a boyfriend will fix all of my problems. i should probably mature past that way of thinking before i actually get one.

all i really have to offer.

my mom called today. we talked some more about my grandpa. we talked some more about funeral arrangements. we talked some more about flying arrangements. we avoided some more the topic of not speaking for a month. we avoided some more the topic of why she was even mad. we continued to act as if all the times we've ever been mad don't exist. and then i told her i loved her, bye. and she said bye. and then i waited like 5 seconds... and she thought i hung up. and then she said she loved me too, bye. all nice and soft. and i hung up quick like and screamed out of pure joy. all of my deepest suspicions confirmed! she loves me! and i love her. and we love each other and do i need anything else in my life? probably. but for now, i am satisfied and content and happy.

sleep apnea.

I NEED TO SLEEP OR HOW ELSE WILL I GO TO GERMAN CLASS TOMORROW?

i'm watching americas funniest home videos right now. a man just had to saw apart his la-z-boy chair because his son's head got stuck in it. he looked like adam sandler. maybe it was him. i don't care how many of these are set up. they are still HILarious.


i love the plan of salvation and knowing that my gramps is in a much better place, out of pain, and i can be with him again. amanda and i think that gramps and president hinckley are mission companions in the spirit world and they are teaching amanda's grandmother. they are just having a party up there! what fun! i stole the pic from jen because i think it perfectly portrays my grandfather.

and, as i always like to look for the silver lining: i talked to my mom today! i told her i love her! she told me to take care! so what if she only called to inform me of my grandfather's passing? its a start, no? i really do love her. even though i get mad when i hang up and she doesn't say she loves me and i call her a dumb ho. its just because i need her to tell me she loves me for me to know. we have completely different ways of showing and feeling love i think. i like to hear and feel it with hugs and words of confirmation. she likes to see it through caring actions and service. neither are bad. just different. i think its good for me to understand this. i can't wait to tell my therapist and see if he agrees!

pros and cons

things that make me feel complete:
1. knowing/seeing personal parts of people's lives that i don't know/very well. i think thats why i like the things in Found Magazine so much. because they are little snips of people's personal lives that i can see without asking or knowing them. also, reading peoples blogs that i don't really know. weird, huh.
2. movies that shock me. change my life. make me think about more than just the plot lines. even if all they make me think about is what the actor is like in real life or what the actor thought about the plot, at least i'm thinking. right?
3. painting things in my mind. i can even see my hands making the strokes or dragging the paint over the canvas. i hope that one day i can paint all those daydreamed paintings. but until then, i still love doing it in my mind.
4. walking through the snow by myself, but there are other people there they just aren't with me. then i think of something funny, or of a person that i really like, and i smile to myself. then i think about how that might look to people walking around me, so then i kind of chuckle. and then, i think about what that might sound like to people walking around me, so then i full out laugh. and it feels so good to just be a little crazy in that moment.
5. when i'm driving and its warm outside, but not hot. just like, crisply nice weather. so the windows are down and i'm listening to some soft pretty music and i cruise up to a stop light and i'm waiting to start and i smell, from the car in front of me, the light smell of cigarettes and i breathe in deeply and listen closely and feel the soft breeze blow my hair, and i'm infinite.

things that make me want to scream:
1. it's silent and i am only with one person right then and i am thinking of what to say next or what to ask next, and i wonder if the other person is trying to come up with something too or if they are just thinking.
2. when i have the most important news of my life and all i want to do is tell someone, or maybe i just really want to get my feelings out, and i can't find a single person that is interested in listening to me for a long time. so i sit online on gchat AND aim and wait for someone that is remotely interested in me to talk to. because i don't have the guts or nerves to call someone and expect them to listen to me.
3. when i open my window at night because it is hot and then i wake up in the middle of the night, curled up in the fetal position because it is so cold. and i lay there for an hour just curled up because it is so cold that i'm afraid to move to close the window or grab another blanket.
4. i see a picture of my hands or a video recording of me and all i can focus on is my hands and how awkward they are, and all of a sudden i am worried about where my arms are placed and what position my hands are in and what stories they are telling when i am not looking or paying attention.
5. i am on the verge of a question or a statement and that's all i can think about saying and i say it over and over again in my head but i can't say it for fear of being rude or for fear of making a complete idiot of myself or for just plain fear. and so by the time i've built up the courage to actually say it, the moment has passed and i have missed half the conversation.

now for only $5.99!

i miss this. a lot.

we've still got time

A few things made my day today:

1. Therapist. He was so understanding and kind and as new and different as that whole situation was for me, I think I liked it.

2. Dad! Oh my. Can that man be any more in tune with the spirit? I think not! I received a wonderful email from him today that said absolutely EVERY thing that I needed to hear. Without me even telling him that I was having a hard time! "Mom has a real self-image problem and takes things way too personally. Do not think poorly of yourself - you are a wonderful YW and we love you. I think mom grew up being told she was no good and for some reason believed it." My father is the most wonderful man I know.

3. Radiohead- Idioteque. I know I've talked about this song maybe a million times before either on here or in real life or whatever. But WHOA. It does not stop changing my life. Never never.

4. The Band- The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down. Thanks Mike. Amazing.

5. Writing my personal narrative. Somehow, writing about Ashley's accident really put everything that I'm feeling into perspective. I mean, sure I'm having some rough times, but I'm not paralyzed or handicapped in any way. Ashley is and somehow, that child is the most kind, loving, caring, happy, beautiful little girl I have ever and probably will ever meet. She is an inspiration for me.