we've made our decision

i'm a slob and i need a job.

don't talk about that rhyme.

lets pretend we dont exist

please take a look at how much my little sister admires and looks up to me.

hahaha.

but seriously, i want to just eat that child right up so that she'd always be with me. but i guess after i ate her, i couldn't poop for a while. hm, what seemed like such an easy plan is actually flawful.

prison break.

yeah i'm obsessed.
three variables contribute to this unlikely obsession:
1. i'm unemployed and therefore have a lot of time on my hands.
2. i'm sick so i don't want to leave the house.
3. diego has seasons 1 & 2 so that was the easy choice to occupy all my time.

oh also i guess a fourth variable is that wentworth miller is sexxxy.

modeling lips

with my new unemployment-ness, i have renewed my obsessions with blog stalking, the food network, sleeping, and all HGTV shows. my life is complete again!

once again, i want to get married, have kids, decorate my beautiful house with all my money i make at my whatever-i-want-to-do job, and cook gourmet meals once in a while for my family. only once in a while though because i think if i do it all the time, they won't appreciate it as much.

i'm gaining back those 12 pounds with brazilian food. blehbleh. i'll start running some time.

say yes to everything

does anyone read this anymore?

i quit my job so now i will have more time to blog. maybe. maybe. actually i should probably look for another job rather than blogging but as today is my first official day of unemployment, i will enjoy it and take advantage of it.

some things as of late:

i went home for thanksgiving on wednesday and came back yesterday.
i moved to virginia beach from norfolk.
i have a boyfriend and we like each other.
i'm learning portugese because my boyfriend is brazilian and speaks broken english.
bettina cut my hair recently and its healthy again.
i'm gonna go back to school eventually.
not byu, but school.
i need winter clothes.
i'm watching true life i'm a shopaholic.
i've lost 12 pounds since i've been in the norfolk/va beach area.
i call it the poverty diet.
i've had my blog for about exactly a year.

i'm tired from driving all day yesterday.


zzzz.

puhlease.

i know. i know.
blogblogbloggg.

when i am sad

also, i was never trying to complain or call myself ugly when i posted that list. i was simply pointing out that even though i don't have the qualities that society and the media say are beautiful, i still spend at least 10 hours a day looking at myself. whether through quick glances in a door window as i walk by or brushing my teeth in the morning, i enjoy looking at myself. beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder. truly.

salvaaaation

oh geez. i just locked myself out of my house for about 2 hours. i just sat outside and waited for someone to get home. no one did. so i broke in through my roommate's window. i don't plan on telling her about that. thats the highlight of my week.

work is blah. i would rather have a different job but i can't afford to quit without a backup plan. [no dad, you do not count as a backup plan.]

san francisco in the mid 60's

know what movie i hate? fear and loathing in las vegas. if i want to waste 2 hours trying to experience drug induced trips, i will simply do drugs. i'm so tired of this movie.

lazy tuesdays

so far today i have only done seven things worth mentioning:
pee
pee
pee
pee
pee
pee
pee
nothing else.

bah de dah de dah dah

awful awful awful. no one should even treat their close friends that way and for some reason i hardly saw it coming. i definitely considered the possibility, but i also just thought it was different. i thought he was different. i thought i was different. he's not, i'm not, it wasn't.

work is new and good. tina from work is new and good. hanging out with tina from work is new and good. i need to go shower and then hopefully tina will be off work and we can go do shtuff.

today was the worst day to work because i had to wake up early and there were maybe 5 sales for the whole 4 1/2 hours i was there. which obviously means no tips. none. which means i made about $20 today. i would have rather paid pete $20 to sleep. dannnnng.

my bank account balance is $979.97. i think thats higher than it ever was all summer.

stir it up

i don't have an incredible jaw line.
or an impeccable nose.
or a teeny tiny waist line.
or gigantic knockers.
or beautiful silky smooth hair.
or cute tan feet.
or long elegant fingers.
or finely toned calves.
or full lips.
or brilliantly white teeth.
or a flat nice stomach.

i'm just stuck with a witch hump nose, forgettable jaw line, thick waist, baby boobs, frizzy hair, pale feet, awkward hands, fat legs, skinny lips, yellow teeth, and quite the stomach.

and somehow looking in the mirror isn't a chore for me.

disclaimer

if you choose to read my blog that means that you are choosing to read not only my normal every day thoughts but the thoughts that the crazy side of my brain has. like the ones that get repeated in my head at top speed until i say them or write them. please don't make me censor myself. if you don't like what you see, you are in no way obligated to continue reading.

hi. how are you?

i started painting my dresser.















can you see it? can you? i'm pretty satisfied.

i started work today as well. this is the first day of my life. actually, if i could pick a day to be the first day of my life, it hasn't happened yet. every option just seems like a bad way to start a life. things are getting better though. i do enjoy waking up and having responsibility. i enjoy knowing i can pay for things myself. and even some days, i wake up and i don't wish i was someone else.

i want to read a book that makes me thiiiink. middlesex is good but it hasn't led me to any new conclusions on life like rant and the bell jar did.

just now i tried to decide which of those two books [which i just recently read] changed my life more [or made me think about it more] and i honestly can't decide.

somehow this turned into a long rant about books when i really just want to write about you. but its better that i don't.

its hard to be happy with things as the way they are when you can imagine how they could be.

i treat you wrong

norfolk you.
norfolk me.
norfolk us all.

at the moment, i'm so glad to be here. i like having a job, a house, some classes, new people to meet and watch, new things to discover, new places to see for the first time ever. like that first time i ever stepped off the plane in utah and seeing those mountains and not believing them. its easy to get so comfortable with places, people, animals, books, music that you no longer recognize the beauty of it. repetition repetition repetition.

i still get lost inside of this city.
i still get lost inside of myself.
think about that. i can find my way around provo utah like a pro and i only lived there for less than two years. i've lived inside this body and these thoughts and fingers and knees for 20 years and i still never know what they will do next. anticipation procrastination position repetition repetition.

i'm going to take a math class and an art history class at tcc. two classes that i know i can do well in for only 6 credits which will hopefully be enough.

ohh man

breathe in. breathe out. deep breaths. concentrate. iiiiiin. ouuuuuut.

l_l
l_l
l_l
l_l
l_l
l_l
l..l

make them understand

i just took a long hot bath and thought about everyone that i know and how much i hate them because i can't seem to talk to anyone about anything. and then i realized that its all basically my fault because i dug this huge hole for myself and didn't tell anyone else and now i have no one to blame but myself if there is no one there with a rope waiting to pull me out. then i jumped out without washing my hair or even shaving because i thought i might actually really do it if i stayed in there one more second.

keep the madness low

i have great, deep, meaninful conversations with myself; where i argue two different positions on some thought and they both are equally convincing.

colorshow

i love my baby sister to death.











































today i ran into a corn field. hah. i'm an awful driver. i was too busy concentrating on getting a moth out of my car so i ran off the right side of the road. then i over corrected (it had just rained) and i spun to the left, i tried to correct myself again and pressed on the gas and ran straight into a corn field on the left side of the road.

okay your turn

if you're going to tell me what i want to hear, make it believable.
convince me.
if you're going through the trouble to lie, do it well.
i deserve more than a halfassed little fib.
if you're trying to take the easy way out, tell the truth.
otherwise, give me a legitimate lie.

yeah... so, uhh

i often think that i am a lot closer to people than i really am. i have a hard time judging how well i really know someone and therefore tend to act the opposite of how i should. when i really know someone, i often act like we are mere acquaintances and when i don't know someone very well, i treat them like we've known each other since kindergarten.

i'm babysitting emma tonight so that desta, laura, and ashley can go to some book release party. i feel trapped because all i want is to go on a drive but i can't because emma's car seat has also gone to the book release party. its only 715 but i'm already ready for her to go to bed. maybe i'll make her run some laps around the house so that she'll be tired.

watching t.v. shows always gives me this false confidence to be able to talk to guys and be really forward about what i want and what i have to say. i get so emboldened watching the script induced confidence the girls in these shows have but then as soon as i turn it off, reality strikes and i know i won't ever have the guts.

pretend love

i have only a few things to say. first, i hate texting because i cannot determine tone of voice or intonation through a text so i just make it up how i want it to be. texting simply opens more opportunities for me to make up my own conversations with people. second, i'm scared to death to move to norfolk. i officially did not get accepted to ODU which means that i will have to work and live which, fine but how will i meet people? i'm so bad at meeting new people because i've never actually had to do it. thrid, i wish i could pause time on this beautiful cloudless morning.

just like a ride!

i am on fire. the best kind of fire you can be on.
red hot.
floating through the day on a cloud of smoke.
suspended in air just above my rocky reality.

it doesn't bother me that i'm just avoiding the crap aspect of my life. it doesn't embarrass me to admit that i'm simply evading the more important aspects in my life. if i can always feel this great, i'm never going to worry about real life again.

blips

virginia is so beautiful. yesterday i went to bears den for about 4 hours and i've never felt so comfortable sitting on giant rocks. leave to want ever don't i.

i have a bad habit of twisting words and sentences and looks and phone calls and texts and emails and facebook comments and conversations that i am not a part of into something they really aren't. and i don't always make them into things i want to hear as much as things i absolutely do not want to hear. paranoid. destroyed. schizoid. null and void.

my life is currently in retrograde. reliving freshman year at college in so many different ways. depending on whether i am accepted or not, i'll be at a new school; the friends that i tried to kick out of my life during sophomore year are here to stay; even my attitude towards life is back in freshman mode.

it's so nice

everywhere you could look i have little notes that i've written to myself. maybe i wrote it because i needed a pickmeup and could only get it from myself. maybe i wrote it because i needed to say something so badly but couldn't say it out loud. maybe i wrote it because my voice stopped working and i don't think you could hear me if i tried anyways. maybe i wrote it because if i had opened my mouth i would have ended up screaming. maybe i wrote it just to distract myself from what my hands could do if they weren't writing. either way, i wish i could share them with you. whenever i'm talking to myself i'd always rather be talking to you.

regrets III: let it be

my blog feels cramped and crowded.

my best blog-worthy thoughts always come while i am driving. i wish i could blog and drive at the same time but i have a hard enough time listening to music and driving at the same time.

i semi-like that my dad reads my blog and i know about it but i also mostly hate it. [don't feel bad dad!] and that right there is the reason why. i feel like i have to censor my feelings or thoughts because i don't want him to read it. but i semi-like it because i think its about time my dad knew some of my thoughts and feelings. [right dad!?]

i haven't updated in a while and i hate when that happens because then i don't know how to start again.

manda said that my blog sometimes reminds her of a younger version of herself. so now i feel all this conflicting pressure to: a. either prove to her that i am myself and unique! or b. that my blog is more like a younger version of her than she thinks. !!!

a day in the life of Dr. Joel Evans

every patient gets the same couple jokes:
- something about sue being overbearing and a gossip.
- "against your better efforts, we're gonna let you keep these teeth."
- something sarcastic to let the patient know i am his daughter.
- a joke about how/why he makes up different names for his instruments.

every break he plays the same couple games:
- online scrabble.
- online games that are scrabble related: including games that require you to find words amongst letters.

exported

do you ever try to think of everything?
i usually start with the grocery store.
apples.
bananas.
chips.
bread.
zucchini.
wine.
then i move on to department stores, like sears.
tshirts.
shoes.
boots.
toaster oven.
blender.
lawn mower.
i think its impossible but i try.

babies everywhere

since she hasn't blogged about it yet:

jen's having a baby!!!!!

yeah right now.

mcmoney

yesterday i made 100$ cold hard cash by drinking 5 mcmilkshakes.

i'm disgusting but also 100$ richer.

totally worth it.

all new tonight

getting older feels like i'm getting younger.

i'm ready for me to be me/you to be you/us to be us.

me vs. me

i disappeared.

i am cleopatra.

i am in love with ashley.

i am swimming.

i'm back to wondering

i'm sorry.
its just one of those days. i can handle it when its just a regular day but on a day like this, it hurts like hell.
you hurt me like hell.
and then all i want is to hurt you the way you hurt me. i'm sorry that i want to hurt you like that.
i wish you knew how you affect me. i wish i had even the slightest bit of that same power over you.
i wish i could justify not saying any of this to you.

christ jesus don't you leave us

look at me! i'm back to blogging 3000 times a month! woohoo! actually just twice in two days. don't get too excited.

i just wish that i could reassure everyone that they don't have to worry about me. i know thats a hard thing for me to wish because of what i've done in the past but REALLY, i can see a change in myself that i know is for the better. so if that is reassuring to anyone, i'm glad.

vast and cryptic

i'm currently deep conditioning my hair with olive oil. ew right? but it will be so silky smooth afterwards.
i need more sleep or more energy. something like that. i sleep all day and then can't sleep at night.
i want ashley and mary to come back from bonnaroo. i miss them.
i want to see my sisters baby when its born. even if it is an alien at first.
i want the full mountain goats "all hail west texas" album.
i want a boyfriend.
i want more money.
i want more clothing.
i want to read a billion books all at once.
i want to own all the books i read so i can have a great library.
i want you to love me like you used to.
i want my utah friends here with me so they can see that i AM happier here.
i want to run.
i want to hide.
i want.
i want.
i want.
i bitch.
i moan.
i'm annoying.
i'm sorry.

dayum.

timing

i got my hairz cut.
short short short.
but not
damaged damaged damaged.
win win win.

rose garden memories

i'm now living with the devereux's. i wonder if ashley still reads my blog now that i live with her. i'm just trying to figure things out and take it easy while i get better. work and play thats all i want. no stress or anything. things are good with my parents right now. i like how it feels not living there.

i also like when people take pictures on my photobooth so i can look at them later and laaaaugh.

every notion

handcuffed, ambulance, and spent the night in the hospital all within 24 hours.

important updates: i am alive and better and have been discharged so if you want to call me, you can and i will explain everything.

i was happier then

i hate that joe left right when we just became friends again.

just like old times. but my arms are fatter.

so real!

i went to a farewell dinner/party for joe tonight. it was good seeing all my old friends. i really missed joe and ashley.

nothing really happens in my life these days. i work and eat and sleep and thats about it. that's why my blog is so boring! sorry!

match made in heaven

you guys took too long.
he wasn't from the center.
and i called him.
weirrrrrrrrdo.
i have no self esteem/respect.

laughing in the willow trees

i know i know. my blog is getting an F- for may. i'm so sorry.

today at work, i got two boys numbers without asking. wham bam thank you ma'am. but in all seriousness, do they really expect me to call? maybe i will call one of them because he was really nice and plus i need to date right? but how weird would that be please tell me.

in other news, my little sister has a blog too. melodramatic? probably will be. feel free to read it though. haha.

shout out to chris daddio because he reads this and i found out today. chris loves mormonism. its cool.

p.s. means i just wrote another one below.

right now i am nauseous and cannot sleep. i forgot to take my sleepy pill because i thought i was so exhausted that i could fall asleep. but i can't. hello self, just because i don't have work tomorrow, that doesn't mean i want to stay up all night.

help: what is the grammatically correct way to say that last sentence? cause i know i said it wrong.

now leave me, please!

i fall in and out of love with jaxon daily. i feel so bad for him. and me! its hard falling in and out of love 5 times a week!

memoirs of a 19 year old

i'm back from the beach! it was beautiful for the last half of the week. overall, it was a great vacation. plenty of people around for when i didn't want to be alone. and plenty of rooms in the house for when i didn't want to be around people. i did buy some tanning lotion that i thought would get me a great tan, but it instead got me a great allergic reaction because it had carrot juice in it. why didn't i look for that! oh yeah maybe because i shouldn't have to look for CARROT juice in tanning oil right?!

my birthday was alright. i talked to aubrey on my computer through skype which is the greatest invention i never knew about. then today when i got home, there was a lovely package from andrea which made me homesick.

here are three things i want to do which cost lots of money i don't have:
1. visit aubrey in vienna.
2. visit andrea in the dominican republic.
3. go on a mission.
arcs.

p.s. on the way to the beach, i saw a sign that said "i got my crabs from dirty dick's crab house." HAHAHA. funny. i LOLed.

oh cooooooooool

the drive down to the beach.
i wish you could see jen a little better because she is OUT.

double whoa squared

today my dad cut up my debit card. and then i stabbed him in the eye with his scissors.

whoa! deja vu!

but what really happened was that i overdrew my account again somehow. so he balanced it out and took my card away. when he took it, i said, "yeah, cut it up." JOKING obviously. but 5 minutes later, he came and found me carrying 10 little strips of a wells fargo debit card. he showed it to me and i just started bawling. then he said, "maybe you should go for a walk." HAH. so i officially have $2 cash to my name.

whoa! i'm rich biotch!

a couple things

joe, ashley, matt and i were swimming in matts pool. joe said to matt, "your girlfriend is a whale!" i was so embarrassed.

jeff had been calling me "alaska" for about a week. finally i asked him why. he said, "you're the biggest one in our family."

i'm just sitting on the shelf

don't worry jen. i have one for you too. i just couldn't upload it.

one minute to midnight.

i wanted to blog about a dream i had. it has a little bit of language but i shall censor it.

so i'm at some food store with my mom. not like a grocery store, like a fast food store. and we order food and i'm like "oh hey mom, i'll pay for this." so she goes to sit, and then i hand the guy my card and he swipes it and says it was rejected. and THEN he cut it! and i said "what the HECK are you doing?!" and he said, i have authorization to destroy credit cards that get rejected. so then i'm all, "that's not my credit card, that's my F-ING debit card!" so then mom comes up and she's like, "trish whats the problem?" so then i start to tell her but i get so mad that i grab the scissors that he cut my card with and i stab him in the eye. gruesome i know, but then i stab him a lot more after that. and when i woke up, i was all worried about the dream. not about having stabbed a fast food worker with his own scissors, but about having my debit card cut up.

money means more to me than a strangers life. i have a lot of thinking to do.

[p.s. its funny that the only believable part of the dream is that my card got rejected. so f-ing typical.]

[p.p.s. when emma laughs, she says "hahah laughing." like she tells you that she was laughing after she laughed. hahah laughing.]

memories can't wait.

today is my dad's birthday. [aubrey your dad's too] i woke up and got ready for church altogether wayyy too early. so now i am sitting around waiting to leave. how come this never happened while i was in college?

i'm going back to work at mcdonalds on tuesday. i can't help it. cause even though they don't pay me near enough for all the crap i put up with, i still love it there. i went in there last wednesday and i saw trudy and ms. d and francesca and i couldn't help but want to go back there. i'll still be working for my dad occasionally but i think it'll be good for me to have a job where everyone is genuinely excited to see me.

yesterday i went and played laser tag with my family. it was fun but right before we left i had this major breakdown. dad told me to go change out of the dress i was wearing and i started crying so hard that i couldn't even walk up the stairs.

jeff asked me the other day, with a completely straight face, if i was going to die. my parents didn't tell any of my siblings what was going on, just that it was "health problems." i told jeff that i probably wouldn't but it was a possibility and he told me that he loved me.

this is a lame and boring blog but i have to get back into blogging somehow. so there is my upd-upd-update remix!

virgin[ia]

today i had blood drawn from my hand. it was actually pretty painful.

apparently everyone in the world is getting married except for me. example: olivia bradley. [do you remember her amanda? she's like 12!!!] and this is the worst: BRITTANY SNYDER! wtf. who saw that coming? and i am mostly directing this paragraph at amanda and jen because no one else knows who i'm talking about. except maybe brett in which case he is included as well.

i've been pretty active so far today which means now i will sleep the rest of the day away. i woke up at 630 and made everyone pancakes. then i took the girls to school. then i made a doctors appointment and went to the doctors appointment. then i got an extension on my online classes and got dad a birthday present. now sleep.

look! i still know how to blog!

tuesday bruiseday

i'm just gonna blast some taking back sunday and get my packing done. and then tomorrow, i shall clean.

nothing gets me motivated like some 9th grade memories!

HAHA.

and just pretend that nothing ever happened.

i've realized that with honesty box, facebook just got a whole lot creepier. did you know you can send someone an honesty box message without being friends with them? CREEPYSTALKERHONESTY.

change is hard. i should know.

i had some bad habits to quit while i was in vegas. andrea helped me.







okay thats a joke but i do like that picture.

HAHAHA

amanda- what were those 3 things that julia fullmer used to always talk about when she taught our laurel's lesson? one thing was about the crack in her head and OH the journalism thing. and what else? its been killing me for a while and then i just told jen about it as well. i need your help about the last one.

it won't be long. yeah!

i'm still awake [32 hours now] and i can't seem to fall asleep.
so its picture time!



















in the bellagio.



















also in the bellagio.



















being a statue.















andrea praying to the indian gods and the catholic gods.















beautiful vegas sky when we left.

there are more but this is already annoying and too much.

candy ghosts

andrea and i drove to vegas last night. i haven't slept since 9 am yesterday morning. unless you count the two power naps i took in the car. it was fun and i will upload pictures later. i think my brain just died.

whats wrong with the world?

tuesday sushi meets for guru's.
brunch club meets for dinner.
movie night meets for mid-afternoon.

duhleted.

i'm deleting my sitemeter because i am obsessive about it and check it far too often. and then i get frustrated because i don't know who is reading my blog.

please tell me if you do.

kthnx.

scheiße!

things i need to do today:
-take a shower
-get dressed
-call about my paycheck
-find a ride to the airport [next tuesday early in the morning. any takers?]
-start packing
-get a new bank account
-close my other bank account
-biology work
-make plans with friends i want to see before i leave
-call my landlord about cleaning checks
-check the mail
-send my rent check
-get some [right andrea?!] [at least before i leave that is.]

things i will do today:
-lounge around on the couch watching tv
-text people

love's a game

my parents are here now. i've been living each day one at a time waiting for them to get here. and now they are here and i don't know what to make my next checkpoint. when they leave? when i leave? i would make it for when i leave but i have no idea when that will be. i wish i had a specific day but everything is just so up in the air right now.

blah blahblah.

i like having friends that i just only know online. hahaha. it feels kinda creepy but also kinda new age and hip.

i'm so new age and hip! HAH.

in other news, i'm freezing to death in my own house! brrrrr.

lyrically speaking

i wake up and i'm fine. with my dreaming still on my mind. but it doesn't take long for the demons to come and visit me. and i've got my problems; sometimes love don't solve them and i end each day in a song.

augmenting my fame

i have about a week left in provo. depending on how my biology class goes. luckily, i was able to get tuition money back for my dad. he pretended like money didn't matter when i told him. i know he's secretly happy about it but i'm glad that he acted like he didn't care about the money and only about me.

i've never loved the church and my family and friends more than i do right now. i'm so grateful for the outpour of love and support i've gotten from everyone.

love.love.love.love.

dream collaboration

i had a dream that i was getting married and nathan goodell gave me a skateboard for my bridal shower. haha what a great gift! i wish i would stop getting married in my dreams.

i'm tryin to build a wall.

obsessed. kthnx.

E! True Hollywood Story

tuesday is a very critical day.
i have RLS to the EXTREME.
i love facebook messages [inbox(1)'s.]
i wish i'd never told you because you keep acting like you care.

RRRRRR
LLLLLLL
SSSSSSSS

pony ponypony cont'd.

15. talking to you would probably help me and be pretty therapeutic if i didn't think you were full of shi*. i wish i could believe that you're actually being sincere. it makes it worse that i just can't trust you.



[hehe, does it even count as not cussing if i only leave one letter off?]

strange form of life

so, i have gone back to being a vegetarian. i have been for about 3-4 weeks. [i don't remember exactly, but brunch club probably does.] its not hard at all for me to not eat meat. i don't miss anything except for sometimes steak. but i don't miss chicken or anything like that. also, andrea has been so helpful and she makes me the best food when i'm too tired to get off the couch. today she made tofu stir-fry and it was the exact perfect blend of spicy and delicious. sooo good. thanks ponybear!

this doesn't apply to anyone that reads this.

whispers in my ear. 3 days ago they could have changed the world. now they are just annoying brushes against my skin. retrospect is no compensation for indifference. please don't. please.

sorry.

check out my cool new bruise!

geezuh.

two asian girls are outside of my window jump roping and talking really loudly. its 11:30.

i fixed the camera on my computer. all by myself! i'm a computer and technology genius.

i need a job like i've never needed anything before.

last night i dreamt about a lot of people that i wish would stay out of my dreams. i used to love waking up right after i had dreamt about him. but now, its horrible because i can't even trick myself into thinking i'll ever be friends with him.

i haven't written jaxon for 2 1/2 weeks. i wish i could make up my mind so that i could stop leading him on. i think i have decided- i just don't want to do what i know i should. i keep telling myself that i've changed my mind because that is the easy way out.

i can already tell that today/tonight will be full of many posts. make sure you read all of them. or none of them probably.

todo sobre mi madre

"Well, as I was saying, it costs a lot to be authentic, ma'am. And one can't be stingy with these things because you are more authentic the more you resemble what you've dreamed of being."

-Agrado

late night lists

okay boyfriend, i'm ready to plan my wedding. please meet me now.

springtime should be to share.

in the past week, i have watched 9 movies.

• the crime of padre amaro
• la vie en rose
• proof
• 2 weeks notice
• when in rome
• the testaments
• talk to her
• sound of music
• 27 dresses

do i even have a life any more?
this week, i am anticipating at least 5 more:

• be kind rewind
• all about my mother
• keeping mum
• the importance of being earnest
• whatever movie they show on wednesday at german movie night.

whats your favorite movie?

i make my own decisions, or, i wish you'd leave

here are a few things i hate right NOW:
1. stupid blogs about me- seriously cut it out. i read it even though you think i don't. if you want to say something to me, SAY IT. this is probably really hypocritical because i'm not saying this to you.
2. my bank account balance. how the HELL do i overdraw so much?
3. well now i can't think about anything but how much money i need.

brandon doesn't appreciate how clever i am.

trendy indie rad fad followers.

looks just like the sun

today i quit my job because someone hung up on me in the middle of my sentence. also, i was tired of feeling trapped and that was the only thing i could think of that i could control. so that means:
a. i'm once again unemployed
b. saturday brunch club is BACK ON!
c. more nap time. thank goodness.
i also talked to dad today and just told him why i was panicking. he said carlos would make it so i don't have to worry. then we started talking about how some days are just too hard for me and he tried to make me feel better by telling me that i'm not the only one that feels like that and that if i read my scriptures and not give in so easily to those "temptations" [to just stay in bed or not leave the house] then i'll be fine. then i told him that he was making me feel like a bad member of the church and that that shut him up quick. he told me to get a boyfriend and i'd feel better. i told him no boy wants to date a psycho girl. and he said, "well you can just pretend you're normal until he marries you and then you let him know you're psycho." HAHA. i think he might have been referring to mom.

shut UP!

blah blah blah.
i'd rather die than go home this summer. i don't think anyone really realizes how much it messes me up. i really don't think i could handle it. i don't know how to tell my dad without offending him. just thinking about going home makes me all panicky feeling.

on a better note, i got off work today. tried to sell my plasma, but my veins were too small. then i went and sold a bunch of clothes at plato's closet [gotta make money some way.] then andrea and i hung out with josh. tuesday sushi, and then home.

arcs.

i just realized that i have all these plans for this summer and NO WHERE TO LIVE. i could easily live here in windsor for the summer as well, but i really want to live in a house. i guess i should begin looking for a place to live but i'm not even sure where to start. also, i wish aubrey, amanda, or andrea would live with me. but aubrey will be in vienna, andrea will be in windsor, and amanda is married. okok. if anyone has any advice on how i can find some housing, PLEASE tell me.

thank goodness

andrea comes home to me tomorrow.



that video is circa 01/10/08

pony ponypony

brandon did this once and i've wanted to ever since.

1. i pretend not to like you so you won't feel bad. it kills me every time you talk about another girl.
2. when you get like this, all i want to do is act the same way. but i can't help trying to make it better.
3. sorry to you because all you wanted to do was help but i just don't think that friends can be therapists and vice versa.
4. you're my best friend and of course the mean ones aren't about you!
5. i talk about you behind your back and make fun of you. i really do love you though and i'm sorry. you're just an easy target.
6. i think you say i'm fat behind my back. sometimes when you aren't with me, i can almost hear you saying the words i imagine you say about me.
7. you're really cool and i'm glad we are friends now because it used to make me so mad that we weren't before.
8. i hate that you act like my best friend and then blog about me because you think i don't know.
9. i love you more than i've ever loved anyone.
10. i wish we could be best friends again. can we?
11. i know you read my blog every day- i just wish i knew who you were.
12. i'm scared for these changes in your life because i don't think you'll ever be the same. i've already pushed you away once and let you back. but i'm afraid i'm pushing you away again.
13. i wish i could live without you in my life. i wish i could write you off and never have to see or hear from you again.
14. you don't even know me but i am OBsessed with you. i keep trying to devise a way to meet you in person.

100! what should we do?

say THIS 15 times fast.

i love my work because i give old people conversation.
i hate my work because i sit on a phone all day and get rejected 6/10 times.
i love my work because it keeps me occupied and busy.
i hate my work because the phone hurts my ear.
i love my work because there is a hot secret crush boy.
i hate my work because there is a guy that no matter where he sits, i can hear his annnoying voice.

all the way

i just ransacked my ENTIRE apartment looking for my german book. it is GONE.

i'm watching deal or no deal and i'm getting so anxious and i want him to just take the money. that is a HUGE amount of money! he's gonna lose all of it!

wait just a minute!

i love when random noises or smells or even feelings bring back strong vivid memories. today as i was driving to work, i held my left hand outside the window till it was freezing cold and held my right hand in front of the heater inside the car. then, at the stop light, i held them both together, cold hand covering hot hand, and i was overwhelmed by memories of mexico. that one night that we were at the beach and we held some parrots. i don't remember much about that night, just the parrots, and that's what i remembered. a strange thing to be reminded of by that random feeling.

we gave chester away today. i haven't cried yet but i've been close several times. i really will miss that cat.

i'm glad for all my teachers being so helpful about my attendance and make up work. thank goodness for gem teachers.

having ashleigh here has actually made me realize how much i love and miss jaxon. i guess because of all the memories we've been talking about and all the things she has told me that i didn't ever know. like how he would talk about me to his friends. or how sam would always ask him how "things with trish" were. or how he told ashleigh she wasn't allowed to meet me if she called me breezy. yeah, i miss him.

dear sons and daughters

i love the relationship of "best friend." someone that is always there for you, there to cheer you up when you fail a test, there to bad mouth your ex when you get dumped, there to sit on a couch, eat ice cream, and watch lifetime with you when you're lonely. tonight i was my own best friend. i liked that just as much. [i really am embracing being alone and i'm beginning to become a recluse.] i went to macey's and luckily found this delicious ice cream.

toasted coconut sesame brittle.

i think that basically all the best friends i have ever had, minus a few, i have ruined by being TOO much of a best friend and then getting angry when they don't return the gestures. not that they aren't also being my best friend- just that i do so much that they don't even ask for and expect equal if not more in return.

congrats to my two best friends who i haven't managed to hate so far!

what the hell are you doing here

aubrey and i went to see a german movie yesterday. i liked not really knowing what was going on and just trying to figure it out and laugh along with everyone else.

sleeping is the hardest part of my days. hopefully now that i have a job i will be more tired and i'll be able to sleep faster at night.

i have severe amnesia today. i sat down to write andrea an email and i couldn't remember a single thing that i wanted to tell her. and now, i wanted to blog but i can't remember a single thing that i wanted to blog about.

pony face

upd-upd-update remix!

so i keep dreaming about dream boy. AND i met dream girl IRL [in real life.] it was awkward because i felt a strange bond between us existed which did not. and because of that i probably imagined a lot of things as more than they were. she is my class librarian for a research paper we are doing. so i was most likely making more of nothing when she singled me out before class and talked my paper idea over with me.

i went grocery shopping by myself today. i liked that. next, i'm going to go out to eat by myself. then, i'm going to go to a show by myself. i'm beginning to embrace this idea of doing stuff alone.

so i've got a new phone and a new job and a new outlook on life. i feel good.

//edit: i'm mad at everyone that didn't play along with that game even though i KNOW you be readin my blog. boo.

please play!

1. whats your name?
2. how did we meet?
3. whats your favorite movie?

don't be shy!

p.s. if we haven't met, how would you LIKE to meet me?

broken and torn

the other night, i had a dream about two people that i do not know. a boy and a girl. i have only seen them in pictures of people i hardly know. it was dark outside and i was leaving the library. outside of the library was a hill much like the types of hills you sit on to watch fireworks. in fact, there were tons of people out there sitting on blankets and talking. it was dark outside so maybe they were stargazing. i knew i was supposed to be looking for someone but i got distracted by these two people i don't know but have seen in pictures. in my dream, we had the same relationship that we have in real life: i have seen them in pictures and they probably don't know i exist. but i saw them as i was looking for someone and all i wanted was for them to talk to me. i remember changing my facial expression and my walk in order to attract him to me. i wasn't so much worried about her; somehow in my dream, i was very confident that she would want to talk to me but i was not so confident about him. i walked by once and he watched me but she was distracted. i pretended to have dropped something and i turned around and he called out to me and handed me a book. i thanked him for the book and he asked me my name. she told me to sit down and we were instant friends. they were both a lot older than me. probably in real life as well as in the dream. i felt as though they were my parents or my older siblings. except for the fact that i wanted him to hold my hand. he put his arm around me and we lied there waiting for the show in the sky, or the stars, or whatever we were there for.

i forgot about that dream until just now when i saw a picture of both of them again. and all those feelings i had for both of them in my dream came rushing back. i feel like she is my much older sister, maybe even a mother figure for me. and he... well i just have this huge dream induced crush on him. so weird.

radically different

i feel like i just cried for 10 hours. you know, that sad worn out heavy heart feeling.

today is the most niceyest nice day ever. and you can hear it in my voice.

i'm semi excited for ashleigh to come. i think it'll be fun but it will be tiring... a lot of acting and pretending. bummerville.

life is better with you

my sister is having a baby boy!
i hope its this one:














or this one: [they come in boxes right?]


















or i would also be happy with this:

i will hang my head low

i hate being in the library because it severely inhibits my ability to stalk people. you never know who's gonna walk by and see who you are stalking. maybe even the person you are stalking will walk by.
this is maybe good for me because sometimes, after extensive stalking, i find things i wish i hadn't.
i'm going to stop stalking. this will be hard.
my goals for march: stop stalking and lose 10 lbs.

books written for girls

once, i complained that i had too many blog friends with names that begin with A. now B is getting right on up there. c'mon! where are all the C's?

what about M's?!

or even J's?!

its all nice on ice

i hate that i have no best friend when i need one the most. when i need to spill and cry and complain and have my best friend encourage me and tell me that i'm worth more than that. everyone's too busy or too far away or too much of the actual problem.

g.d.

love me back

all-nighter! yeah!
this is what happens when i do NOTHING all weekend.
brandon better be ready for a break in an hour.
i'm ready now but i should maybe DO some work before i take a break.
eh, what the hell.

in other news!

i went to a hardcore show with mike and phil last night. i told them that the crowd would all be a bunch of 12 year old hot topic kids and then we laughed about that. and they said that those kids were all my friends and we laughed [cause jokes about how young i am never get old.] and then we got there and i was right about the hot topic kids. and i laughed a lot during the show because it was funny and reminded me of high school. [not hard since that was like last year, HAHA. still funny.] the bled played and they were way good but they didn't play gemini and that sucked. and then from first to last played and i almost typed their name from first to laugh and that would be correct. it was a laugh. horrible. they played both the songs i knew but i didn't know them without sonny singing. then every time i die played and while i have heard their stuff, i only knew like one song and they played it and it was good and their whole set was really good.

i told andrea that today was the crappiest day of my life but i think it has gotten better since.

i really like mirah right now. a lot.

10 simple ways to get over you:

i started to write this list of really bitter ways to get over him. but then i realized that i'm not bitter and those ways aren't going to help me. i guess i'm really just not all that worried about getting over him. i still really like him, so whats the point of trying to make myself hate him just because he doesn't like me too. right? RIGHT?
so i'll just keep being his friend and it'll sizzle out eventually.
one thing i DO have to stop is dropping any and everything for him. no more of that!

love is not a victory march

hallelujah!

i no longer care about anything.

an intense feeling of peace just washed over me.

i don't necessarily think its a good kind of peace though... more like the kind where i just don't care if i'm in debt. i just don't care if i fail out of school. i just don't care if i'm going crazy.

i just don't care.

hallelujah!

we have the past to remind us of love chivalrous and grand

last week, i left my grandpa at the provo cemetery. i went to go get him back today but with all the snow, i couldn't see him. i was just going to leave but then i saw an office. i went in there and asked if there was an easy way to find my grandfather. they gave me a map.

i finally found him.

he didn't want to come back with me though. [he said he was comfortable in his mound of dirt.] i hadn't really been expecting him to. i just wanted to tell him thank you. i didn't take anything to give him so i tried to give him the map. he told me to keep it in case i got lost the next time i wanted to visit him. i thanked him profusely.

i cried all along center street as i drove home. windows down. music up. tears unsuppressed.

heaven knows that i'm miserable

sometimes i get so mad and so upset that i just want to break something or punch someone. and then other times, i feel so happy and so excited about life, that i feel the same way. the same kind of desire to
crush.
smash.
crunch.
slam.
bang.
snap.
pop.
how can those two completely different emotions evoke the same exact desire?

today was another boohoobaby day. church gave me an anxiety attack. for some reason, the boy talking in sacrament was talking about school goals and being prepared for tests and im sure there was a deeper analogical [is that a word?!] meaning, but all i could think about was:

that i'm failing all of my classes. i can't seem to make myself wake up and get out of bed and GO to class. why am i even IN college? i don't know what i want to do with my life. i can't even get myself out of bed until the sun comes up. WHY?

hopefully you can see where the anxiety attack came from. i went to the bathroom and threw up. twice. i sat in the bathroom for 10 minutes after that but the sicky sicky stomach feeling wouldn't go away.

then this little girl and her mother came in. i was sitting in the mothers lounge part with my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands. the girl whispered "mom look what i found. whats wrong with her?" "just leave her alone, okay?" "she's dead. i know she is." how morbid is that? but maybe i was dead.

what if i had been. one handful of pills and i just passed out right there. goodbye baby. too bad you couldn't handle sacrament meeting.

sing me to sleep. sing me to sleep. and then leave me alone. don't try to wake me in the morning. because i will be gone. don't feel bad for me. i want you to know. deep in the cells of my heart, i will be glad to go.

gather to the chapel

i love that music changes my moods and emotions so drastically. i'm working on a mixx for andrea right now. for me, the best part of making mixxes is that i get to have it after i share it with that other person. and then, forever after, that music will tie us together. whether they liked it or not.
someday, i will make a mixx for this blog. it will be sexy sexy and just for you [reader.]
i cried a bunch today. most of the time, it felt good. two times that i shall share with you:
1. andrea sent me this GREAT quote that her mom gave her from Elder Holland. in answer to the question "how can i truly get to know my Savior Jesus Christ?": "Of course there are all the ways that we already know: praying, studying the scriptures, etc. But the best way to really know our Savior Jesus Christ is by our Suffering. We need to embrace those great moments of suffering because that is when we truly get to know Him. Often we would say to Heavenly Father: 'Let this cup pass from me', however, this cup does not pass from us and we must drink it but this is the time we will come to know the Savior more than any other time of our life. God loves a broken heart maybemore than anything else in this world. When it is hard and there is sorrow that is your Gethsemane. We are all willing to pray and read the scriptures but we are not all willing to suffer of to let our loved ones suffer. But we must go through all that to understand and to really know our Savior, we become more compassionate and then we are more inclined to help other because we know how they feel." this hit me so hard because i realized that no matter how crappy i feel or what i'm going through it's all part of life and will help me be closer to Christ.
2. i told mike that andrea was going to come back a week from monday and he said "you really do love her." why was that so cute and so tender and so heart wrenching? i'm not sure but i AM sure that it just hit me that, yeah. i do. i think it made me realize that i really love so many people in my life and it made me feel bad for ever thinking that i have no reason to be here or for thinking that i have no reason to be happy.

i think i saw justin bobby in smith's today. whoever he was, he was probably terrified of me because i squintstared at him for about 10 minutes while i stood in line to return a redbox movie. ah well.

i love you to jesus and back.

chester keeps sitting on my keyboard or trying to walk across it. she's so cute and i love her to death. i never want to go anywhere now because that means i won't get to spend time with her. chester, plz b mah boiifren.

today, i played the "how long can i close my eyes while driving" game. i got to 15 seconds and i was really proud. and then, 5 minutes later, i realized that while i had been focusing so hard on that game, i managed to miss my turn and was now lost somewhere in orem. lucky for me, everything is on the grid system and i got myself back safely.

for bonnie: i finished 2 of the 3 books. working on 2 more of the 6.

srsly. srsly srsrsrsrsllllyyyy.

more to come when i think my life isn't boring and a waste.

chester.

today aubrey's boyfriend found a stray kitty and brought it over to our apartment. he named it chester and we agreed. we're going to put up signs to help it find its real owner but until then, she is living in our bathroom. she loves it there and more importantly, we love her there.

feed your sheep a burning lamp

today, taylor inspired me to clean my room. in doing so, i found 6 books that i have begun to read but have not finished. my goal for the day is to finish 3 of the 6. i have finished 1 of the 3 so far.

and then it was the most beautiful day of my life and i went and ran some errands with aubsbobs and i sat in the front seat and put my feet out the window and became as comfortable as possible to enjoy that wonderful air. i went and applied at kneaders [hopefully that works out because i NEED a job.] then i went and returned a bra at victoria's secret because it was too big. [story of my life.] then i bought some cute best friend charms with aubrey at claire's in the mall.

overall, a productive day so far.

p.s.

thinking about outliving the love of my life makes me die inside. i mean, breakups kill me as it is. even trying to imagine living without that love once i find it makes me curl up in a little ball and sob myself to sleep.

here we go.

i've been learning how

to make really long and boring blogs that no one in their right mind should read.

DAD:
today, my great uncle kent was talking to jen about her husband. and then dad said, "oh yeah trish where's your husband? on a mission!"
two things:
1. please stop making me feel like an old maid dad. i'm 19. i don't need to have a husband yet.
2. please stop acting like i am already married to jaxon or even acting like i'm GOING to marry jaxon.
MOM:
today after dinner she was like, "trisha, did someone hurt you? you seem so mad at the world and cynical these days."
two things:
1. i am not cynical! (?)
2. if i am, then yes. you hurt me. can you really not see that ?


maybe i am cynical. i can think of about a million things to complain about and yell about and cuss about and yet... i can only think of one really: nothing goes my way.
i'm so spoiled and rotten and i'm trying so hard right now to count my blessings and all that but its so hard when all i want is out of this rotten spoiled mess.

this kind of crying is my favorite kind. where the tears just stream endlessly out of your eyes and trickle down your cheeks; tickling your nose and salting your mouth. there are no heaving sobs involved with this kind of sorrow. its the most peaceful anguish possible.

grandpa didn't want the military funeral everyone said. and then when the man being buried closest to grandpa received the gun shots everyone laughed and said, "how ironic!" and then the bugle started playing and grandma softly exclaimed "its a miracle!" and those peaceful flowing tears began from my eyes. standing in the mud in the beautiful february weather and listening to the miracle of that hauntingly eloquent melody, i have never felt more at peace.

i loved today when grandma came up to me and said "we have the same name!" and i said "yeah! we do!" and she grabbed me in a hug and laughed.

today felt like sunday. and then like saturday. but never like monday. which will make tuesday pretty hard.

river so deep.

i don't think i'll be able to sleep tonight.

and by that i mean i don't want to.

i started to go to sleep just now and had the beginnings of two horrible dreams:

1. maybe you should go home. i don't feel like putting the whole dream here but there is part of it. the important part that killed me.

2. i was going to grandpa's funeral. only it was in richmond where grandpa weber's funeral was. so i get there and andrea is there and she's crying really hard and i think, wow i didn't know andrea knew grandpa so well. so then i go and hug her and i look around and there is emily watkins, and ashley devereux, and joe roberts, and matt hoyt, and i'm walking around looking for my family because i still haven't seen one family member. just high school friends. so then, i'm walking through this graveyard and i see bob kneeling by a headstone and crying. and i walk up to him and put my hand on his shoulder and then i know: the funeral was for jen. not grandpa. jen please don't die. that was a traumatizing dream.

your skin makes me cry

today, i can't seem to get enough of radiohead. its like the last sip of a canned drink and you can hear it swishing around in there but no matter how you tip the can, you can't get that last sip. frustrating. and it makes you so much more thirsty to know that you can't have it. you don't even need it maybe. but the second you know its there and will never be running down your throat, you need it more than you ever needed anything in your life. i feel that way today. but about radiohead.

yesterday, i couldn't get enough of jonathon richman and the modern lovers' hospital. i listened to that song 113 times yesterday. in just one day, i doubled the playcount on that baby song. something about the way he speeds up when he says "i can't stand what you do/ sometimes i can't stand you/ it makes me think about me/ that i'm involved with you." or the way he admits that although he can't stand her, he needs her because he is in love with her eyes and he knows that without those eyes and without that look, he can't live.

friday, i didn't know what i wanted but nothing i had was right. i think now that had i listened to the band, i would have found what i was looking for. but who knows. maybe i would have turned on the band and just shrugged it aside just like i shrugged aside every other song i listened to. iron and wine. shrug. modest mouse. shruuuuug. bloc party. double shrug. sonic youth. lazy slow shrug. animal collective. shrugshrugshruggityshrug.

how weird is that word shrug.

video chat has never been more enjoyable!

they are so cute.

writing class narration

sunday dress boy's voice gets louder and louder the more he wants to prove his point. he's yelling at the class right now. yelling how artists can't just say there is a meaning unless there is some evidence of it. bullshit. i'll paint whatever i want and say it means whatever i feel it means. if i paint a tree and say it represents my mother, it sure as hell represents my mother. whether YOU see it or not.

i feel bad for red head ben. he fell asleep and was drawn on. i wouldn't feel as bad if his face hadn't turned bright red and his hand never left his face. arcs. now he sits there and tries to rub off the sharpie half-mustache, and the teacher talks about him as if he weren't there listening. "i've always told everyone not to fall asleep in class. thats what he gets for falling asleep."

10 Confessions:

1. i get mad when people don't text me back immediately. what's more important than me? i know. i know.
2. i hate when boys like me and i don't like them back. i almost feel obligated to like them since they like me.
3. i love when no one is home at my house because then i can have shameless dance parties in my room with my lights off.
4. i haven't kissed anyone for 5 months. drought.
5. i have a really big crush on this one boy but i would gladly get over it if i thought i had a chance with this other boy.
6. i check my facebook insanely often.
7. i eat way too much junk food. i think that i'm fat but all i know how to do is eat away my feelings. so i just get fatter.
8. sometimes i wish i was good enough for my mom. but i ALWAYS wish i was good enough for myself.
9. i like not wearing a shirt because i like feeling my long hair swishing across my back.
10. i think that having a boyfriend will fix all of my problems. i should probably mature past that way of thinking before i actually get one.

all i really have to offer.

my mom called today. we talked some more about my grandpa. we talked some more about funeral arrangements. we talked some more about flying arrangements. we avoided some more the topic of not speaking for a month. we avoided some more the topic of why she was even mad. we continued to act as if all the times we've ever been mad don't exist. and then i told her i loved her, bye. and she said bye. and then i waited like 5 seconds... and she thought i hung up. and then she said she loved me too, bye. all nice and soft. and i hung up quick like and screamed out of pure joy. all of my deepest suspicions confirmed! she loves me! and i love her. and we love each other and do i need anything else in my life? probably. but for now, i am satisfied and content and happy.

sleep apnea.

I NEED TO SLEEP OR HOW ELSE WILL I GO TO GERMAN CLASS TOMORROW?

i'm watching americas funniest home videos right now. a man just had to saw apart his la-z-boy chair because his son's head got stuck in it. he looked like adam sandler. maybe it was him. i don't care how many of these are set up. they are still HILarious.


i love the plan of salvation and knowing that my gramps is in a much better place, out of pain, and i can be with him again. amanda and i think that gramps and president hinckley are mission companions in the spirit world and they are teaching amanda's grandmother. they are just having a party up there! what fun! i stole the pic from jen because i think it perfectly portrays my grandfather.

and, as i always like to look for the silver lining: i talked to my mom today! i told her i love her! she told me to take care! so what if she only called to inform me of my grandfather's passing? its a start, no? i really do love her. even though i get mad when i hang up and she doesn't say she loves me and i call her a dumb ho. its just because i need her to tell me she loves me for me to know. we have completely different ways of showing and feeling love i think. i like to hear and feel it with hugs and words of confirmation. she likes to see it through caring actions and service. neither are bad. just different. i think its good for me to understand this. i can't wait to tell my therapist and see if he agrees!

pros and cons

things that make me feel complete:
1. knowing/seeing personal parts of people's lives that i don't know/very well. i think thats why i like the things in Found Magazine so much. because they are little snips of people's personal lives that i can see without asking or knowing them. also, reading peoples blogs that i don't really know. weird, huh.
2. movies that shock me. change my life. make me think about more than just the plot lines. even if all they make me think about is what the actor is like in real life or what the actor thought about the plot, at least i'm thinking. right?
3. painting things in my mind. i can even see my hands making the strokes or dragging the paint over the canvas. i hope that one day i can paint all those daydreamed paintings. but until then, i still love doing it in my mind.
4. walking through the snow by myself, but there are other people there they just aren't with me. then i think of something funny, or of a person that i really like, and i smile to myself. then i think about how that might look to people walking around me, so then i kind of chuckle. and then, i think about what that might sound like to people walking around me, so then i full out laugh. and it feels so good to just be a little crazy in that moment.
5. when i'm driving and its warm outside, but not hot. just like, crisply nice weather. so the windows are down and i'm listening to some soft pretty music and i cruise up to a stop light and i'm waiting to start and i smell, from the car in front of me, the light smell of cigarettes and i breathe in deeply and listen closely and feel the soft breeze blow my hair, and i'm infinite.

things that make me want to scream:
1. it's silent and i am only with one person right then and i am thinking of what to say next or what to ask next, and i wonder if the other person is trying to come up with something too or if they are just thinking.
2. when i have the most important news of my life and all i want to do is tell someone, or maybe i just really want to get my feelings out, and i can't find a single person that is interested in listening to me for a long time. so i sit online on gchat AND aim and wait for someone that is remotely interested in me to talk to. because i don't have the guts or nerves to call someone and expect them to listen to me.
3. when i open my window at night because it is hot and then i wake up in the middle of the night, curled up in the fetal position because it is so cold. and i lay there for an hour just curled up because it is so cold that i'm afraid to move to close the window or grab another blanket.
4. i see a picture of my hands or a video recording of me and all i can focus on is my hands and how awkward they are, and all of a sudden i am worried about where my arms are placed and what position my hands are in and what stories they are telling when i am not looking or paying attention.
5. i am on the verge of a question or a statement and that's all i can think about saying and i say it over and over again in my head but i can't say it for fear of being rude or for fear of making a complete idiot of myself or for just plain fear. and so by the time i've built up the courage to actually say it, the moment has passed and i have missed half the conversation.

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i miss this. a lot.

we've still got time

A few things made my day today:

1. Therapist. He was so understanding and kind and as new and different as that whole situation was for me, I think I liked it.

2. Dad! Oh my. Can that man be any more in tune with the spirit? I think not! I received a wonderful email from him today that said absolutely EVERY thing that I needed to hear. Without me even telling him that I was having a hard time! "Mom has a real self-image problem and takes things way too personally. Do not think poorly of yourself - you are a wonderful YW and we love you. I think mom grew up being told she was no good and for some reason believed it." My father is the most wonderful man I know.

3. Radiohead- Idioteque. I know I've talked about this song maybe a million times before either on here or in real life or whatever. But WHOA. It does not stop changing my life. Never never.

4. The Band- The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down. Thanks Mike. Amazing.

5. Writing my personal narrative. Somehow, writing about Ashley's accident really put everything that I'm feeling into perspective. I mean, sure I'm having some rough times, but I'm not paralyzed or handicapped in any way. Ashley is and somehow, that child is the most kind, loving, caring, happy, beautiful little girl I have ever and probably will ever meet. She is an inspiration for me.